I Love Being A Dad

Happy Mother’s Day!!

I usually end some of my posts with the direction to stop what you are doing and tell a loved one, in this case your mom, how much you love her. Right now is the best time because you do not know if there will be another. In my opinion there could never be anything worse than not letting your mom hear you say “I love you”. It doesn’t matter if that person is not your biological mother. If she is the person who had some hand in raising you, you are obligated to let her hear those words.

I’ve told you in previous posts that my mom is now in a nursing home suffering from dementia. There are many times when I go to visit her that she doesn’t know who I am. When this disease first began to take hold of her, it was very painful to see how she struggled to remember my name. As time has moved on, I have learned to accept that this is the nature of this disease. Sometimes I believe she gets a moment of clarity. Those are the times when she calls my name without me having to prompt her. There are also those times when something funny is said and she gives us that “Lovie” chuckle. (Her name is Lovie) Once I asked her if she knew who I was and she said, after a long pause, that I was her favorite brother’s wife. She had that mischievous smile on her face. I wondered if while she was in a state of clarity, she was teasing me.

My visits with her now consist of us just sitting together. I miss those visits to the various museums and art galleries she would take the three of us (my sister, my brother and I) to.  I miss those long talks on the telephone. I even miss her “you shouldn’t have done that” lectures. Those lectures were so overpowering, that after a few days not only did you confess to what you did, she had you convinced that her way was the right way.  By the way, her way was always the right way.

I don’t know if she knew she was going to be in this position in the future but, she began a practice of saying “I love you” at the end of every conversation or if we were parting ways. She did that to each member of the family and what it taught us was that our love for each was much more important than any other thing. It also taught us that we needed to hear each other say those words. In this way there was no question about whether we knew how each other felt. We knew it because we said it.

I will end this post just as I began it. To persuade you to stop what you are doing and tell your mom and all your family members how much you love them.

Happy Mother’s Day!!

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

There are times, despite how positive I want to be, that I’m in a very negative space.  When this happens I do my best to try to pull myself out of it. The first thing I look at is to see if I am in the condition of HALT. (The acronym means Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. I didn’t invent this term. I learned this from some very smart people). Once I’ve determined if one of these terms may be in existence, I act on it immediately. If I’m hungry, I eat. If I’m angry, I work hard to try to get my emotions under control. If I’m lonely, I’ll call someone on the phone or go somewhere where there are some people. Finally, If I’m tired, I take my ugly self (I’m not that ugly) to bed. This is something I’ve been doing for such a long time that it has become second nature to me. It is important that I look at me first when I’m in any uncomfortable condition.

I learned over these years of practice that when my kids’ emotions are out of balance, it’s usually because one of these four things may be in play. As positive parents, we have to be able to recognize the difference between our kids’ behaving bad or if their under the influence of HALT.

There are other times when my emotions are so far out of balance that I’m in a state of emotional turmoil.  All of us as adults have gone through this experience many times in our lives. This can include a breakup with a significant other or not having the money to pay an important bill. Each of us has different ways that we react to this emotional imbalance. I can remember many times in my life, I decided to act out and I became that bull in the china closet. I regret those times. 

Over the years, as a result of practicing halt, I’ve learned that it is necessary to identify whether or not the emotional turmoil is created by me or someone else. This is important although it usually never eases the uncomfortability of being in that state.  With this information I can move to solve the problem. If I’m the one who created the turmoil, I have to take the necessary actions to make things right. If I’m not the cause, I must be careful not to over react. Some of those times when I acted as the bull, I reacted without thinking.

As a positive parent, I try to teach my kids that when they’re in the middle of an emotional experience, it’s important to not be the first one to react. It’s important that we teach them to continue to do the next right thing and sometimes that would include doing nothing. I was taught by those same very smart people that I must exercise my right to keep my mouth closed. This is important because once it’s out there’s no way those words are getting back in my mouth. This is not easy because defending one’s manhood/womanhood can be very overwhelming. There are many times when my ego wants to take control but by waiting just a few moments, my mind can get clear enough to remember what it was like to be the bull.

The bottom line is that as positive parents we have to be careful of how we react during difficult times. One thing is for sure. They watch us more intently than they listen to us.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

For all positive parents the most important item that they could have for their kids is their expression of love.   From the time when our kids are born we create an infinite amount of ways that we can show this expression. In the beginning we do all that we can do to make sure that they have every possible convenience. We fill their rooms with toys, mobiles, boxes of diapers, you name it.  If it’s a boy, we’ll go to the sporting goods store and buy that football or basketball or baseball bat. If it’s a girl we’ll fill her closets with all kinds of pretty dresses, ballerina shoes and fill her crib with the largest stuffed dolls we could find.

As these kids get older our love intensifies. When we introduce them to the world, we want to make sure that they have all the latest protection gizmos. All of us have bought that 6 million dollar car seat or that 20 million dollar stroller, complete with a DVD player and a self closing hood in the event of bad weather. Some of us and I won’t mention any names, have even bought those 10 way mirrors so we could drive and keep an eye on our kids, they can keep an eye on us , all while they are sitting the car, facing toward the back of the car playing with their fingers. By the way if anyone is interested, I have a slightly used set of mirrors that I’ll sell for…….never mind.

The most painful expression of love is when I have to deal with discipline. Performing discipline is love. It wasn’t until I became an adult when I was able to understand my mom when she said “This is going to hurt me more that it will hurt you.” I now understand that discipline is an important part of the love process. Every positive parent wants their child to be a useful and productive member of society. Using discipline properly will help our kids to reach this goal. Everyone should understand that discipline is not child abuse.

There are many ways that we show our love to our kids. I feel that the most effective way to demonstrate our love is by what we say.  We must make sure that we use positive language when we are with them. Word can either uplift or destroy. What I learned from my parents is that there has to be a balance with what I say. I cannot be an effective parent if I’m too condescending or if I’m too critical. Despite whatever is going on in my kids’ lives (both positive and negative), a hug and the words “I love you” can carry a lot of weight. Many years ago my mom started the habit of us saying these words to each other. No matter what differences we may have had, they all seem insignificant because we love each other.

Take this moment, right now, to tell your kids and everyone else in your family that you love them. In my case all those years of practicing this with my mom has left me a feeling of completeness because now she is in a nursing home and sometimes she’s not clear of who I am. I feel complete because when she was alert she understood clearly who loves her.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

One of the lessons that my parents, as positive parents, taught us was that the family must come first.  I can remember when my sister and brother and I were very young, they didn’t let anything come in between our family.  They always stressed that if one ate, we all ate. When we went shopping for shoes or coats or whatever we never felt that one was going to be treated better than the other. 

I can remember clearly the whole family getting on the bus to travel to downtown Brooklyn (NYC). We would get off on Fulton Street and head to A & S. Before we went into the store, my mom would gather the three of us together and say “We only have a certain amount of money to spend so don’t any one of you act up.” We didn’t get to voice our opinion on what style we wanted. In those days there weren’t a lot of styles available. We didn’t have to worry about the latest sneakers or the $100 jeans. Things back then, and I’m only talking about 50 years ago, were very simple. The sneakers of the day were Converses and I don’t remember what jeans were out.

As the oldest and the most rebellious, I was usually the one who got into trouble. We would do our shopping in the basement of A & S and after we were finished we would go to this stand up restaurant. I wish I could remember the name of that place.  We would end our day of shopping by eating grilled hot dogs.

Those were great times. Those were great bonding experiences and it showed the importance of being loyal to one other. We would be together as a family. Today we are not as physically close as were then. My sister and my brother live outside of NYC.

It doesn’t stop the loyalty we feel for one another. We look after one another as our parents did. Even though we see some things differently, we don’t let those differences interfere with our being a family.  We’ve learned that we can work through them by talking about them and coming to an agreement that we can live with.  I could not imagine a situation that would put a wedge in our relationships. It’s painful to hear of families who haven’t interacted with one another for years. It’s even more painful when we learn that the situation that separated them was something silly.

As positive parents the three of us do our best to instill the importance of loyalty into our kids. We do that by doing the same things our parents did. We pick a nice day. We get together. Then we go shopping.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

As a positive parent one of the most important things I encounter is finding a way to communicate with my kids. The means through which we talk to each other has changed a great deal since I was a kid. In those days (the 1950’s through the 1970’s) the only communication tools that were available were our giant tube radios, our black and white televisions and our rotary telephones. During those times the world was a very small place. The information we received was very limited.  In fact most television stations took themselves off the air at 1 or 2 in the morning.  Can you imagine not having any television on between 2AM and 6AM? Today we would be calling our cable companies to find out what was wrong. Then it was a way of life. It was not until the late 1980’s when the electronic age made giant leaps of progress. Today, it is not uncommon to see people interacting with one another with the use of the many smart phones that are available.

The things that seemed not to change from that time to now are negative outside influences. This includes all those things that could and would move us and our kids away from being productive members of society.

My parents like many other parents realized that the best way to keep their kids away from those negative influences is to talk about being positive and to back that talk up with positive living.  What also has to be included is spending one on one time with each kid. I feel that face to face is the best kind of contact.  In this day and age, however, some of that time may take the form of texting or emailing. We must not become fearful of this new and changing technology.  It is imperative that we become smart phone literate. I feel that not only will this become an important part of our communication skills; it can also help us (because we will now understand how to use these phones) in knowing who our kids are in contact with. Negative influential people have also gone high tech. 

There are many times when I text my kids to find out what’s going on. Sometimes my kids feel that I’m texting them to spy on them.  Although this, at times, may be true, I need them to understand that we are a team. Their need to know what’s going on with me is just as important as me knowing about them. There may be a time when I need their help.

 As positive parents we have to understand that being able to communicate with their kids is very important and we must not allow anything to keep us from that goal.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

As a positive parent, I feel that trustworthiness is an important quality I want my kids to possess. The definition of trustworthy is: deserving of trust or confidence; dependable; reliable.  One of the things that worry me as a parent is how trustworthy will my kids become. Everyone wants their children to be useful members of society. The problem is how do I teach trustworthiness?

I am a firm believer that our children become mirror images of us.  If I am the type of person that yells and curses all the time, it will just be a matter of time before my kids will begin doing the same thing. This also works on the other end of the spectrum. If I exhibit positive behavior, my kids will do the same. It is a proven fact that kids pay more attention to what their parents do than to what their parents say.

The question of how do I teach trustworthiness begins with me. I have to become the best person that I can become. I have to make a conscience effort that everything I do will affect them. There is always that fear that they will do something that will throw all my hard work out of the window. The fact is there is no way I can control what anyone will do. I have to work very hard to keep myself under control. It is my job let them know that everyone has choices. Positive choices will yield positive results. Negative choices will yield negative results.

We also have to give them opportunities to practice what they are learning. We must give them a chance to see what it feels like to get positive results. It can start with the little things like politeness and showing respect. I feel that these two things are the precursors for trustworthiness. It is my thought that by being concerned about others helps to be seen as a person who  can be trusted.

By doing the same things over and over again our kids can see what positive results look like. They will see that those we come in contact will see us as people who are deserving of trust. Our kids will trust us because they will see how consistent and confident we are. The bottom line is that we, as positive parents, must work hard to teach our kids about trustworthiness.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

As a positive parent, I feel that health care for my kids is very important.  There’s nothing worse than having one or two sick children in the house. Their sickness can spread through a house like wildfire, attacking everyone in its path.  It can take weeks to get everyone back to good health.

Some sicknesses, in my opinion, are preventable.  For example, by having my kids wear the proper clothing in cold weather will help prevent them from getting colds or the flu. Obviously, I can’t protect them from other sick kids at school. I can only be responsible for the preventative measures that I take.

Another great way to keep my kids from getting sick is to make sure they get the proper nutrition and rest.  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and I make sure that my kids eat. I feel that full bellies keeps their resistance levels high and it helps them to be clear minded, ready to grasp the day’s lessons.

In an earlier post, I described my ignorance about second hand smoke. As a smoker, I had no clue that I was the cause of my oldest son’s sore throats and ear infections. I am happy to report that since I stopped smoking 15 years ago none of my other children suffer from second hand smoke issues.

I take my kids to the doctor for their check up.  It’s important for us and the doctor to be aware of their health issues.  This way we can work together to work on any problem areas.

 In my quest to keep my kids healthy, I sometimes neglect my own health. It is important that I stay on top on what’s going on with my body. As an African-American male over the age of 50, there are many health facts that I need to be aware of:

1. Prostate cancer affects 1in 9 African-American men over 50.
2. African-Americans are twice as likely as whites to develop diabetes.
3. 40% of African-Americans have high blood pressure.
4. African-Americans have the highest rates of colorectal cancer.

These facts dramatize the necessity of taking my health as serious as I do my children.  I used myself as an African-American just an example. These issues could affect any one of us.  I’m sure we could pick any ethnic group to see what health issues are dominant for that group.

This past summer I took my 2^nd colonoscopy. The 1^st one I took 5 years ago and the doctor found 3 polyps. This time he found 6 polyps. At each test the polyps were removed and found to be non-cancerous. The increased number shows how important this test is. It also shows that by going to the doctor regularly, I may be able to prevent serious health issues.

 As positive parents we need to be around long enough to see our kids grow up and help them with their kids. To make this possible we need to make sure that we focus on keeping our kids and ourselves healthy.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year. This year went so fast. It seems that it was just yesterday that we were starting the year 2010. The reality is that it was over 365 days ago.  It seems that as I get older, time moves faster and faster and the year 2010 was no exception. I like the fact that we celebrate the New Year because it gives me a chance reflect on the past and see what changes I can make that will my life more rewarding. I’ve learned over the years never to look at this new beginning as something negative.  I am the guy with the glass that’s ½ full. I willingly look forward to what the New Year will bring.

As a positive parent each New Year brings on a new set of challenges. This is due to the fact that as I’m getting older, my kids are getting older. There are many issues that my kids are going through that didn’t disappear on December 31. What this means is that I will have to reinvent the way I approach some issues. Some of these will need to be looked at from a totally new direction. There are others that will just need a lot more reinforcement.   In either case I look forward to helping my kids grow up to becoming useful members of society. There is no better feeling than to watch a child (grown up or not) go through an issue and come out on the other side a much better person.

I would like to take this time to thank the close to 66,000 who visited this website last year. Many of you have written comments that were very encouraging. Some of you didn’t agree with what I was saying and that’s OK. I created this website to generate a discussion about positive parenting. I do not feel that my way of looking at things is the only way. There are many of you who have interesting experiences. Throughout this year I will look forward to hearing, more from you about those experiences, so that we all can grow and become the best positive parents we can become.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

The time has come again when we put our hearts and souls into buying the perfect Christmas gifts.  I am the type of person who waits until the last moment to start buying.  I do this because I love the Christmas crowds and I feel that the best bargains are available the closer we are to the holiday. I almost always spend cash.  This way when this holiday is over, it’s really over. It also helps me to stay within a budget.  I have a predetermined amount that I spend on each person. For the older kids I give cash, this way they can get exactly what they want.  The younger kids give me list and I do my best to get their top 2 or 3 things.  This becomes tricky for any positive parent because we all fear that before Christmas day is over, these kids will totally disregard their new expensive gifts and return to play with their old toys or the box the new toy came in.  

I truly believe that at some point in time, children should know the truth about Santa. I don’t want my kids to give credit to an imaginary character for the gifts they received.  It is important, in my opinion, for them to know that it is through hard work, sacrifice and an enduring love for them that these gifts are bought. They must know because it is realistic, that they may not be able to get all the gifts on their list.   It must be understood that this year I may not be able to afford it. I try to instill in my kids that our being together is much more important than any gifts that will be exchanged. I want them to know that every day is Christmas and our love for each other is worth more than any gift.

I recently informed everyone about my mom’s battle with dementia.  For her own safety and well being, we had to place her in a nursing home.  At first we all felt uncomfortable with this decision. We felt as if we failed her. Once we were able to put aside our egos and our selfishness, we came to realize that this grand lady needs and deserves to get the best care that is available. My dad did a great job taking care of her for the almost 2 years since her stroke, but it is time now for her to move on to the next level. Since she’s been there we see a marked improvement in her well being. The other thing that stands out is that we as a family have gotten a lot closer.  There is an old saying that when one door closes another one opens.  Her mental state may never return to what it once was but this family will become stronger as a result of it.  This will make this Christmas one that I will always remember.

Don’t waste another moment. Right now. I mean right now, tell the ones close to you how much you love them.

Merry Christmas!!

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

One of the most important structures in today’s society is that of the family.  As a positive parent I work hard to make sure that my family understands that each of us plays a vital role in our survival.

As a sports enthusiast I see that the family is a team. Everyone wants their team to be #1. Those teams that are successful, in my opinion, seem to have three things in common. First, they all understand that the team must come first. The survival of the team must be the driving force of each member.  Second, they understand that in order to maintain that status some members may have to sacrifice his/ her personal goals. It’s difficult to experience true success unless the whole team is successful at the same time. Third, they understand that when one member is unable to perform at his/her highest level (due to an injury), the rest of the team must not only help to get that person healthy, but they may have to step up their involvement to fill the void of that hurt person.

When I was young, I watched my positive parenting role models (my dad and my mom) put these concepts in action on many occasions. They had and still have a clear idea that we succeed as a unit.  I’ve done my best to pass this on to my own children. Although we don’t live in the same household, we are very aware of what is going on in each other’s lives. We talk to each other regularly on the phone and we see each other as often as we can.

Presently we are rallying around my mom. I mentioned in an earlier post that since suffering a stroke 2 years ago, she is now suffering from dementia.  In recent weeks her condition has gotten progressively worse and there are some difficult decisions that we have to make. As the patriarch of our family, my dad could make these decisions all by himself. But also, as the team leader, he feels that it is very important for the whole team (which includes my sister, my brother and I) to be in agreement not only about her condition, but what direction we shall move in from here. Regardless of where we go from here, we have all came to the conclusion that the wellbeing of my mom has to be the first and only priority. It is through this process that we will continue to be a successful family.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!