I Love Being A Dad

One of the greatest challenges of being a positive parent is learning how to interact with my kids. Dealing with 4 different personalities can be difficult at best.  Each kid has his/her own unique talents and I feel it is my job to make sure that these talents don’t go to waste.

My parents were great examples in this area.  I learned from them that each kid must be treated equally. There can be no favorites. Showing favorites can be a destructive element in a family. This can be the driving force that split families apart. I have seen this happen many times in many families.

It is important that every kid receive the same treatment.  Just because he/she is having problems now doesn’t mean that  situation will last forever.  The same holds true for the kid who appears to be successful. Each event(s) should not be used as a measuring tool for that kids’ life.  At a later date, either or both kids could be great asset(s) for the family.

I never compare one kid to another.  I never say  “You should be like ….”.  Each kid should be accepted for who they are.  If one wants to be a doctor, fine. If one of the other kids wants to work for the city sanitation department, that’s fine too.  As a positive parent I feel that I must work to keep their playing fields as even as possible.  I give them what basics I can and leave the key life choices to them.  My goal is to produce positive members of society.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

This is my opinion.  I would love to read about yours. Vote in this week’s poll.

(After publishing last week’s post, all my widgets stopped working.  I’m in the process of upgrading my version of this wordpress blog (2.6.3).  I also understand that there may be some problems with my version of javascript.  If you have this same problem and/or solved it, please email me.(wendelljordansr@gmail.com)

Learning to deal with stress has become a necessary part of adult life.  In this new age of fast moving information, it has become even more important for our kids to deal with this issue. As an adult I have learned to be very mindful of the effects of stress.  It has been known to bring about a whole host of illnesses and could even lead to death.

I teach my kids to learn to be patient during those stressful situations.  They must learn to understand that the situation doesn’t mean that the world is  coming to an end.  By being observant and by not panicking they will most likely be in a better position to survive what ever the situation is.  For most kids this concept is a difficult one for them to grasp. Their lack of experience gives them a very shallow view of what life is about.

As positive parents, it becomes our job to get this message through to them. I feel that by dealing with stress properly a lot of mistakes can be avoided. For example, if my kids and I walking down the street and we see a group of people or a stray dog or any other possible stressful situation approaching us, I don’t wait until the last moment to discuss with my kid how I feel about it.  The moment I’m aware of the situation, I feel it is my responsibility to make him/her aware also.  There is nothing worse than having everyone NOT on the same page. By discussing it, a plan of action can be developed (if it’s needed) and we could both get out of the situation unscathed. This type of thinking is what I encourage my kids to do. It is my opinion that some stress could be eased simply by being aware of the surroundings. Being prepared in the best stress reliever.

Peer pressure, I feel, is the most common reason for stress within our kids.  Our kids must learn that it’s not necessary to always agree with their peers.  Of course there are those times when fitting in is OK.  Our kids must be taught that they don’t have to make impulse decisions on questionable issues (sex,drugs, smoking, you add the rest).  We must teach them that it’s OK to say no.  They must learn that doing those questionable things is more stressful than not doing them. They don’t have to be stressed out just so they can fit in.

Learning how to deal with stress is an ongoing practice and the earlier our kids learn this, the better they will be able to handle all the thing that life will throw at them.

This is my opinion. I’d love to read about what you’re thinking.  Don’t forget this weeks poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

The one thing that I think is very important is the amount of time I spend with my kids.  I feel this way because my time with them shows how much I care. It also gives me the time hear about what is going well or not so well in their lives.  I would love to spend all day observing them, so I could give them all the direction that they would need.  In reality this is not only unhealthy but also it is not feasible.  Everyone needs their personal space.

What I try to do is to schedule events that would bring us together.  One thing we guys ( my three sons and I) love is basketball.  This week my oldest son got tickets to see the New Jersey Nets.  I have no idea who they’re playing and their 5-50 record is sure to guarantee that only die hard fans will be there.  The only thing that is important is that, for 4 hours, we will be together.  This will give us more than enough time to talk and to do some bonding.  No problems will be solved during this time but it will open the door for discussions later on.

It is my job to transport my daughter back and forth from our place to hers.  With her two beautiful daughters in the back seat, the half an hour ride gives me time to find out what’s going on in her life. Just as with the boys, some times I can’t solve her problems but in some cases I can give her a new way to approach her situation.

Due to work constraints it may be a week or two before I can physically see them.  I don’t let this stop me from staying in contact.  I use my cell and home phone to reach out and touch them.  Tex-ting is a great way to communicate because sometimes typing the words ” R u OK? I’m OK” is all that is needed.

The quantity of time is not as important as the quality.  When I’m with my kids I try to make the most of the time I’m with them.  Enjoying each other is the main goal.  If we’re able to help each other with our situations ( I bounce things off them too) then it makes the experience just that much more enjoyable.

This is my opinion.  I would love to read about how you think. Do you agree or disagree with me?  As always don’t forget to vote in this weeks poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

In a previous post I talked about the highly controversial topic of spanking. In that post I said that spanking is an important part of child rearing.  My views on that have not changed.  I feel that spanking is one way for parents to remain in control and to teach their children about acceptable behavior.  I feel that the earlier we use this with our children, the less problems we will have with them later on.  We must impress on our kids that we are not their equals. As positive parents we must define that boundary.

I want to make one thing perfectly clear.  There are no excuses for child abuse.  Spanking should never be used as a means to hurt our kids.  It is one of the many tools we use with our children to help them to grow up and to become useful citizens.

Another tool that I find equally as effective as spanking is hugging.  I feel that as positive parents our job of giving support is just as important as teaching discipline.

I can remember many times when my wife, a coworker or a friend  gave me a hug just because it looked like I needed one. Receiving a hug at that right moment can make all the difference  As positive parents we need to be more attentive to our kids’ emotional states.  We can not be alert only when things aren’t going well, ready to dole out discipline.  We must also be ready to give positive affirmation.  Our kids have a lot of pressures on them.  There are times when we are not going to know what those pressures are.  If we are attentive, we will see those changes in their emotions.  With my own kids, I ask questions but sometimes they can’t or won’t articulate what’s going on with them.

As a positive parent I don’t need to solve all my kids problems.  I want them to use their reasoning skills to work out those issues.  This is where the hug comes in.  I give my kids a hug to let them know that they are OK and to assure them that if they need help, I am the one they should come to. A hug allows me to create a special bond with my kids.

Every situation needs to have a balance.  I feel that hugging is the balance for spanking.

This is my view. I would like to read about your views. Leave a comment. As always don’t forget to vote in this week’s poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

As adults we learn how to handle problems.  We learn that these problems can range from financial  to relationships to fixing the car.  We learn that some problems are very serious while others don’t need our immediate attention. As positive parents we must find ways to teach our kids how to handle their problems.

I have broken problems into 3 categories.
1. Serious problems
2. Not so serious problems
3. Problems that can not be solved or works in progress.

I don’t want to give examples of these because I feel problems are relative. A serious problem to me might be a work in progress to you. What I do want to talk about is the way I’m showing my kids to handle each one.

As  young man the one lesson I learned from my dad is that when problems come up, he should be the first one to know about it.  The reasoning here is that as a positive parent, the sooner  I know what’s going on the sooner it can be dealt with.  I don’t spend a lot of time lecturing on what my kid should have done.  I only focus on the problem at hand. There will be plenty of time to lecture later.  I need them to understand that they should not decide what category to put their problem in. I feel that their lack of experience will most likely give them the wrong solutions.  By coming to me I teach my kid what true team work is all about.

This is what the professional sports teams do.  When the momentum swings( a problem), the coach( the positive parent) calls a time out. He then outlines a plan or a series of plans to change the momentum( solve the problem).  Some times he has to call many time outs to talk about the same problems or new ones as they come up.

As time goes by the team player builds complete trust in that coach.  As positive parents we must teach our kids that this trust must be in us.  They have to understand that I am the best one to  help solve their problems.  No one out side the family will be able to understand my kid better than me.

I’d like to know what you think. Please leave a comment and don’t forget to vote in this  weeks poll.
I LOVE BEING A DAD!!!

All children need to be taught about responsibility.  This is  a skill that does not comes naturally.  It starts from the time when they are little babies.  We teach them that there are consequences for their actions.  If they behave badly they get punished.  If they show positive behavior they get rewarded.  In the end they are responsible for what they do.

As a positive parent with 3 male black children these lessons are even more important.  As a young man growing up in Brooklyn, New York, I became well aware of the pressures that young black men face.  My dad taught  my brother and I that our actions would determine what our lives would become.  He drilled into our heads the necessity of staying out of trouble, getting as much education as we could and to be mindful of all of our relationships.

His lessons on staying out of trouble are self explanatory.  The jails are filled with minority men and some use this experience to grow.  Most are caught on a treadmill and stay stuck exactly where they are. Even though his education was very limited, he understood that knowledge is power and as these talks took place during the 1960′s and 1970′s teenage pregnancy was just as much a problem then as it is now.

Even though my dad grew up in the segregated south, I never remember him teaching us to ” hate the white man”.  His emphasis was on teaching us that we were responsible for our own destinies.  That meant focusing on those positive things that would make us useful members of society.  In fact I only mention my ethnic background as a point of interest.  These principles could be used by anyone.   As the world is getting smaller I think that we’re finding out that we share many of the same problems. Although I talk about here about men, young women need to be taught about and practice responsibility as well.

These are lessons that I pass along to my kids as well as any kid that comes into my sphere of influence.

I would like to read your comment and don’t forget to vote in this week’s poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

When I was a young man growing up in the Albany Projects in Brooklyn, New York there were a lot of city and government programs that I could participate in.  These programs were pretty diverse.  They covered everything from sports to art.  As the economy began to turn and corruption became the catch word these programs began to disappear.  The time frame I’m talking about is around the early to middle 1970′s.

One of the things my mom would instill in my sister, brother and I is that we should always cultivate our creative talents.  She felt that our creativity and happiness came from within.  As a painter she lives to expand her creativity.  I remember many times she would take us to the various art museums here in New York City.  We saw many different types of art in many different mediums.  She trained us to view art as some one’s creative expression.  We would view a work of art and enjoy it.  We would discuss whether or not we liked it and what we would do to express the idea differently.    For me, these exercises were fun.  Even to this day, if we’re at the doctor’s office, a restaurant or anywhere there is a painting or other work of art we look forward to enjoying it .

As a positive parent, my mom wants us to think in terms of us not being limited in our thinking. She wants us to believe that we could accomplish anything we want to accomplish and enjoy doing it.  These are the thoughts I’ve tried to pass on to my kids.  I encourage them them to find the thing that they are most passionate about and explore how they would bring that thing to fruition. It a proven fact that people who love their work are usually very successful at it.  I feel that as positive parent it is my job to make sure that their creative juices continue to flow.

I need them to understand that their mind is their only limitation.  It is also important for them to understand that everyone might not be as passionate about that thing as they are.  Peer and parental pressure can be very destructive. We must be very careful about how we critique our kids choices. The wrong words could totally shut them down. Everyone may not want to be a lawyer or a doctor or a scientist.  Being a sanitation or a transit worker are honorable professions.  What ever we do should lead us to fulfilling our passion.

My kids cannot live my life.  We as parents have to accept what dreams we didn’t fulfill and let our kids fulfill their own dreams.  We can not stop them from creating their own future. We also must give them support and encouragement. Who knows.  Our kids passion maybe that one thing that will make the world a better place.

I’d sure like to read your opinion.  Please leave a comment and don’t forget to vote in this weeks poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!.

Kids should never be left alone.  With young children this is obvious. Their reasoning  can lead them to make the wrong conclusions.  As parents we need to be constantly with them or have them with an adult who can be trusted.  Parents are the problem solvers.  Our kids look to us to provide the guidance and to give them the answers they need.

Some think there is a certain age when kids should  be removed from the parental umbrella.  Some say that time is between the ages of 18 and 21.  I agree that  there is a point in time when they should begin to take care of themselves.  They should get jobs and do those things that are needed to become useful members
of society.  Even though we want them to be successful and on their own there are times when they need our advice and help. Being a parent is a life long arrangement.  Problems and their solutions don’t end at age 18 or 21.

At age 57, I still bounce ideas off my mom and dad to get their input.  My oldest son does the same with me.  Sometimes I am a treasure trove of information.  Sometimes I can help him with that bill.  There are other times when I fall very short on both.Despite what I can or can not do I feel that the quality of the relationship I have with my kids is most important. This relationship should never be based on my
performance.  At the same time I don’t want them to feel it’s a burden for me to help solve their problems. They should never feel abandoned during those difficult times.  Just as with young children, older kids can come to wrong conclusions when they are under emotional or financial stress.  It is at those times when we
should make a conscience effort to share our experiences with them.  In most cases we’ve gone through those same situations.

It is my responsibility as a parent to always be there for my kids. During the good times as well as the bad.  As a parent my services are always needed.  I never want them to fell abandoned.

What is your opinion?  I’d love to read your comments and don’t forget to participate in this week’s poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

In one of my earlier posts I talked about the importance of positive speaking.  I always felt that the way I speak to my kids can determine what kind of relationship I  have with them and it will also determine what kinds of relationships they have with other people.  If I curse allot there’s a good chance that my kids will curse allot.  If I speak positively them my kids will speak positively.

What is equally important to how I speak to them is how I treat them.  I’ve always been the type of person who feels that the glass is always 1/2 full.  I’ve learned over the years that no matter what negative thing happens, I have the ability to turn that negative into a positive.

Using the tool of encouragement helps me instill in my kids this 1/2 full mentality. Success and failure are linked to our emotional well being.  Fear is the main emotion that  keeps most from moving forward.  A hug or some positive words is what I use to keep my kids moving forward.  I make them understand that the most important thing is the effort.  I want my kids to give it their best and I let them know that failure is not the end of the world.  In fact failure can be the stepping stone to getting to the next level.  As time goes on they will learn that the out come will take care of itself. At a time when peer pressure is stronger than ever this can help them to be more focused.

I use the tool of encouragement every chance I get. Encouragement is emotional fuel.  When i encourage my kids, I’m telling them that they can accomplish their goals by fighting through their fears.  I show them that the real world has it’s peaks and valleys and despite this they must keep moving forward.

I’d like to hear your comments on encouragement.  Vote in this week’s poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

It seems like yesterday that I was wishing everyone a Happy New Year.  2009 has come and is almost gone.  The year moved so fast.  There were many major events in my family.  My mom had a stroke in April ( She’s OK now),  my 23 year old daughter gave birth to her second daughter,  my 26 year old son and his wife gave birth to their second child ( a boy), my 15 year old started his second year of high school and my 5 year old started kindergarten.  My wife and I, by the grace of God, became another year older (Don’t tell her that she’s getting older. LOL).

Overall 2009 was a pretty good year.  I believe that the only setback ( my mom’s stroke) became a rallying point for all of us.  We all took turns at the hospital and grew to understand how important she was to us but also how important we are to each other.  Life is very fragile and one event could change it all.

I began this blog in September to share those values that my dad and mom had passed on to my brother, sister and myself.  I never felt that these values were unique.  I do feel that there needs to be a forum to discuss these issues.  I’ve written 14 posts on what  I feel are very important topics.  I look forward to the new decade to talk about many other important topics.  I shall include a poll in each new post to get your vote.

Our families are our most important asset.  It is the one thing that we must hold on to.  It is the only thing that will keep us growing.

I want to wish everyone a safe, healthy and happy New Year.  I also want to warn you that you should NEVER drink and drive.

I would like to read your comments and please vote in my New Years poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!