I Love Being A Dad

Two years ago I started this web site, I Love Being a Dad. To tell the truth I created this with the idea of kick starting my tee shirt and card business. I had been selling custom made shirts and greeting cards to my coworkers for a few years. I felt that I had good responses from them so I thought this idea would do well on line. The only problem with selling things on line is that you need to be known to be successful. I then began to research the ways to start a website.

In order to get ideas on how to start a website, I went to the most obvious place to get information, the web. The sites I visited all suggested that I start a blog. I found one website that explained everything in detail. Their thinking was that I use the site to talk about something that I was passionate about. The idea is that I would get traffic to my site based on the quality and consistency of my writing.   The only problem that was left was to come up with a subject that I was passionate about. This is when the idea for I Love Being a Dad came to mind. This is the one subject I felt that I could talk about in depth.

At first I thought I would only try to attract all the fathers in the world and give them a forum to express their views. I changed this because I felt that in order for me really look at parenting I had to explore the complete parenting picture. I soon adopted the theme of positive parenting.  I didn’t want to discuss the negative aspects of child rearing. I feel that there are enough websites out there with that in mind. I wanted to highlight only positive child rearing experiences.

I have never claimed to be an expert in this area. I have a degree (an Associate of Arts degree from Cuyahoga Community College) but it is not in the field of child rearing.  I use this blog to talk about my personal experiences in helping to raise three boys. I use the word help because even though I am no longer with the mothers who gave birth to these kids, their input into their growth is just as important as mine.

In the past two years I have tried to truthfully talk about my experiences. I wanted to use this site as a means through which we can compare notes.  I remember when my oldest was born. I stepped away to use the bathroom and when I returned the nurses were handing me this baby to hold.  What I don’t remember is any of the hospital personnel giving me a manual on how to raise this child. For each of my kids this has been a process of trial and error. I give a lot of credit to my dad because he demonstrated great examples on what I should do. Those include not being your child’s best friend, discipline and a host of other practices.

Talking about my positive parenting experiences has helped me to look at myself and I hope that it has offered some hope to you, that you too can be a positive parent. I want to thank all those who have taken the time to read my posts and I look forward to hearing from you in the future.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

I can remember the attacks of 9/11/2001 as if it were yesterday.  I was at work when a coworker heard on her radio that a plane had hit one of the World Trade Center buildings. At first we all thought that this was a terrible accident. None of us were too surprised in that here in NYC and especially in lower Manhattan there are all kinds of planes and helicopters flying around.  Periodically we hear about a crash of one of these flying machines. I thought it was one of these small crafts that hit one of these buildings.

We all tuned our cassette-radios to the local news radio station which is 1010 News on AM. We were horrified to learn that it was not a small plane. We learned that it was a large commercial plane that hit one of the towers.  In my mind I wondered how could this happen? It brought to mind the many times I flew in from Ohio, going to LaGuardia Airport. On the planes I traveled on, they would all work their way to Manhattan and fly up the west side of the island and swing around for an approach to the airport. If you’re sitting on the right side of the aircraft, there is nothing more beautiful than seeing the island of Manhattan from the air. It was as if we had to say hello to this great city before we could land in Queens.

We were all talking about the terrible mistake this was. We were also talking about the effect this was going to have on the families of those both on the plane and in the building. We were all in a state of shock. How could this happen? Was it pilot error or an error in the control tower?

Before we could catch our breath another plane hit the second building. We soon found out that four planes were hijacked by Islamic terrorists. Two were flown into each of the buildings at the World Trade Center, one was flown into the Pentagon and the last crashed in a field in Pennsylvania.

The visions that will stay in my mind forever are those of the planes going into those buildings and when both of those buildings came crashing down. All of those images, to this day, leave a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I work for the Federal Government and part of the requirement to getting this job was that I had to take an exam. I took that exam in a building that is located right next to World Trade Center. That building was badly damaged, during the attack, but it is still standing and is being used today.

Many people around the country think that New Yorkers are so overwhelmed by the amount of activity that goes on here, that we are unable to experience any kind of emotion. Some think that we walk around with blank expressions, traveling from one part of the city to another. These thoughts are very far from the truth. Every time I went to that part of Manhattan, I felt proud to stand where the economic power of the world existed. These buildings were so awesome that cloud cover kept me from seeing their tops when I looked up at them. I even remember riding up to the observation tower of one of the buildings. The sight there left me breathless.

The day when these terrorist attacks took place, all of all of our cell phones became useless paper weights. Nothing worked. After a few hours, I was able to contact my oldest son and my main concern was for his well being.  “Are you Ok?”  I asked.  He quickly responded by asking me if I was OK. “After all you’re in Manhattan where the attacks took place” he said. That is when the enormity of this whole situation hit me. The truth is that I do work in Manhattan. This was the first time I got emotional about what had happened. At the same time we began to see some of the survivors of this horrific act. We knew who they were because their whole bodies were covered in dust. The transit system was shut down, so these people had walked from downtown Manhattan to where we were on the Upper West Side, some 80 blocks. I cannot, then or now, imagine what was going on in their minds.

In the ten years since these terrible acts, I have tried, as a positive parent, to keep my kids focused on what really happened on that day. It is true that Islamic terrorists took credit for killing all those people. What I have tried to impress on my kids and anyone else who will listen, is not to make their religious affiliations the central issue.  These groups of people are criminals who happened to be Muslim. I feel that the whole point of terrorism is first to instill fear into its victims and second through that fear have those victims at odds with each other, each placing blame on the other for being the cause of whatever the horrific act was.

All of us who are positive parents must work even harder to instill in our kids that they must be able to separate the criminals from their affiliations.  We should not condemn a whole group for the actions of a few. We must go after those criminals and hold them accountable for their acts. At the same time we must teach our kids that we live in a great country and that our freedoms should not be taken for granted.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

I will repeat what many others will say before this day is over.” I survived Hurricane Irene.”  Now that I have that out of the way, I’d like to talk about my experience during this being my first hurricane.

Here in NYC, most of us feel that these things, hurricanes, tornadoes and earthquakes, only happen to those who live in other parts of the country. In fact earlier in the week many here felt the aftershock of an earthquake that took place in Virginia. There was another small earthquake near Albany, NY. That is a city in upstate NY.  So maybe we are not as removed as we thought.

We had been hearing warnings about this storm’s potential from our elected officials.  The Mayor and the Governor wanted us to understand that this storm could be very dangerous and we all needed to be prepared. There was a mandatory evacuation in the low lying areas of Brooklyn, Staten Island, Queens and lower Manhattan. I lived for a short time in Far Rockaway, one of the areas evacuated. We could see the Atlantic Ocean from our apartment. Although it was a very beautiful sight, it always worried me what would happen if there was a storm surge. They even shut down the transit system. I am 58 years old and I have never heard of the NYC transit system being shut down by any public official. The only time it was shut down was during one of the transit strikes, the last one taking place in 2005.  Since the system was to be shut down starting at noon Saturday, this forced me and I’m sure a lot of other people to stay home from work. I knew I would be able to get there but getting back could produce some interesting challenges.

Many here in the city thought that the mayor and the governor were over reacting because of the problems that happened during the blizzard in December. During that weather event it was clear that there was no communication between the many City agencies. There were many streets in Brooklyn and Queens that had not been plowed for close to a week.  There was also a fear that what happened in New Orleans in the aftermath of Katrina could happen here. I am personally happy that all of our elected officials in the tri-state area (NJ, NY, and Conn) all were on the same page concerning Irene. As a result of this team work, I feel that we all came out on the positive side of this storm.

Before the storm I moved in with my Dad and I’m glad that I’m here. At 87 years old, my siblings and I were concerned that living by himself could be dangerous for him. He lives in Jamaica, Queens in a large housing complex. Living here with him gives me the ability to stay on top of what he needs. I can make sure his prescriptions are up to date and I can take note of how he appears physically. He is a very proud and self sufficient. Talking to him on the phone never gave me a complete view of what was going on with him. This way I know what’s happening and I can react quickly if he needs help.

I will say again that I survived Hurricane Irene. What is more important is that I’m here with my dad. Although he doesn’t show it, I’m sure he’s a little relieved because he doesn’t have to live alone.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

I am proud to say that I feel that I live in the greatest country in the world. Here, in the USA, we live in a free society where I can be whatever I want to be. I am a Black American male who grew up in the 1960”s. I am not saying that this country is the place of perfection. I can remember clearly when the civil rights movement was on the front of every newspaper in the country. My dad tells stories of racism while he was living in the south that would make anyone’s hair stand up on their heads. I can remember my own experiences of racism.

Maybe I’m a little naive or maybe I’m a little too positive, but I feel that this type of negative thinking is behind us. I feel that I’m more able to do what I want to do than at any other time in history.

We live in an electronic age where I can have all the information about the world in the palm of my hand on my phone. I am not limited to what I can do with my phone. I can talk. I can text. I even have two books in my phone. This way I can read my favorite authors without having to be weighted down.     I can find out about the starvation that’s going on in Africa and I can read about the political struggles in the Far East. I have over 20,000 followers on Twitter and I think that most of them are mainly interested in what I have to say as I am interested in what the over 20,000 people I’m following are saying. We live in a country that offers us many privileges.  I am very grateful that I live here.

As a positive parent I feel it is my job to get my kids to experience this gratitude.  My kids like a lot of kids have more junk than they know what to do with. They have all the latest electronic games. They enjoy the benefits of cable television. The bottom line is that these kids have all that they need.

The problem comes when they take for granted all that they have and it can become very easy to look down one’s nose at those who are not so fortunate. Whenever we are together, I deliberately point out those who may not be so lucky. My dad always said that it is a hairline between being here and there.  I bring that up with my kids because I feel that they need to be grateful. I need them to understand that nothing in life is a given. They should understand that at any given time one event could put them in that same position as “that” person.

With this electronic age the world has become very small.  As a kid the only time we would learn about a different part of the world or even a different part of the country, would be in history class or by reading our encyclopedias. There’s a lost word.  I’ll bet your salary (I’m keeping mine) that most kids don’t know what an encyclopedia is. With utube and CNN there is a reason why they would know about it and it has become my job to use this medium to point out to my kids how lucky they are. I can show them the millions of kids who have no food to eat and who have no place to sleep. I can also show them all the kids who are sold into slavery and are abused as sex objects. These things go on both here and abroad.

The bottom line is that I want my kids not to take life for granted. For whatever reason they are blessed and I need them to have some gratitude about the position they are in.

Please leave me a comment. I would love to read about your thoughts on gratitude.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

I was told many years ago that the only constant in life is change. This change could take two forms. There is physical change which involves things like putting on different clothes every day, moving from one place to another (this could include going to work or leaving one town for another) or it could involve the weather (sunny today and cloudy tomorrow). This type is something that we deal with regularly and is something that we accept usually with no resistance. After all we would look very silly if we wore the same clothes every day (this does not include those who have to wear a uniform as part of their job) or if we didn’t go to work how would we pay our bills. Watching the weather report will tell us if we need to carry our umbrella or leave it at home.

The other type of change involves our mental and/or our emotional well being. As a positive parent, I find that it is this type that gives me the greatest challenge. Just as with the physical, it is very easy to get complacent with the way that I am thinking.  I have found that the older I get, I feel that there is no reason for me to think about doing things differently. My sound thinking has gotten me this far, so there is no need for me to change.

It’s been almost 20 years since I had a drink or a drug. I can remember during those early days hearing those who had this similar experience tell me that in order for me to stay sober and clean, I had to change the way I was thinking. It was hard for me to imagine that I could go a day without having to participate in that destructive behavior. As time has gone on, I have found that those folks were right and that I could live a more productive life. It seems that with every year that goes by I have found something that I needed to think differently about.

After 5 years I felt it was time to stop smoking. I used the same principles that I used to stop drinking and drugging. It was during this process that I came to understand how my emotional well being played an important role in my life. Over these years I developed a practice of being aware of what my emotional state was. I found that I was more prone to act out (this means doing something that is not productive) when my emotions were out of control. When I found myself in an emotionally charged situation, I had to make a decision. Is being involved in this going to cause me to act out? If I found that if it was, I do have the power to walk away. There can never be anything more important for me than remaining on this path of positive living.

You are probably asking yourself “What does this have to do with positive parenting?” The answer is everything. I have the experience to know that my kids watch me a lot closer than they listen to me. I have to demonstrate for them when it is necessary for them to change the way they think. They have to understand that changing their thinking is not always a result of something negative. This change can help launch their creativity. It is also important for them to see that their emotional balance is just as important. We hear of many times when someone has done some act (horrific or just silly) that could have been avoided, had they been more in tune with their emotional state. They must learn that these changes are just as important as what they are going to wear today.

When I first stopped drinking and drugging, those who had more experience with sobriety and cleanliness used to recite a very interesting prayer. It’s called the Serenity Prayer and it goes like this “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

One of the most challenging things I find as a positive parent is the way I handle relationships.  Over the years, I work hard to develop good relationships. I always felt that “being cool” with people is the only way to be. I didn’t come up with this philosophy on my own. Ever since I was a little kid, I watched my dad and how he reacted with people.  In all these years I have never seen him walk by anyone without saying “hello. He favorite saying is that everyone is someone’s loved one. This has helped the three of us (my sister, brother and I) to be compassionate with others. His other saying is that there is only a hair line that can separate one from being on the positive side or being on the negative side. This has helped us to be more in tune with the human condition.

These sayings rang in my ears during some of the dark times of my life, when I was trapped in alcoholism and drug abuse. It was during these times that he really had to put these saying into practical use. After all I was his loved one and just the wrong push or pull could have sent me farther away so that I may not have ever seen the possibility of stepping over that hairline into the light.

I am a firm believer that whatever a kid sees his/her parents do he/she will do the same things. After watching my dad over these years be the mayor of his surroundings, I have found myself following in his steps and have become a mayor in my own right.

His underlying lesson, I feel, is that every relationship is an important one. It doesn’t matter how deep that relationship is.  Something as simple as saying hello to someone could make the difference between that person stepping over that hairline on the positive side or the negative side.  In my own personal life I can’t tell you how many times that someone saying hello to me has snapped me out of a negative trance.

One day I was in a MacDonald’s with my #2 son and there was a guy begging for money so he could eat. It didn’t make any sense for me to give him $.50 or $1 so that he could get enough money, over time. I asked him what he wanted (I think it was a Big Mac meal) and I bought it for him.  He was very polite. He thanked me, ate his food and left the restaurant. I had watched my dad do that with people many times over the years and he always explained that that act could have kept that person from doing something desperate in his quest to feed his hunger.

Many months later I was with this same son in a different fast food restaurant. I had given him $5 to keep in his pocket in case we got separated he’d at least have some money to make a phone call. In this place there was also a person begging for money so he could eat. I wasn’t paying much attention to him.  This time I was very hungry.  It was crowded and I was only focused on picking something from the menu so I could sit down and eat. There was a lady standing next to us and she said “That’s very nice of you to do, young man”.  She was talking to my son. He had taken the $5 I had given him and gave it to that person. It was clear that he was doing the same thing he had seen me do some time before.  I watched my dad do it. He watched me do it.

Just imagine. Supposed my dad had cursed at those people and pushed them out of his way. I’m sure that when it was my turn, I would have cursed them and pushed them out of my way. I wonder what my son would have done.

My dad has always stressed that every relationship is important, especially those that are short term. He always has felt that these short relationships give us the chance to positively affect people’s lives.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

We are again at that time when the school year has come to an end. It seems like yesterday when we as, positive parents, were getting all the school supplies and new clothes ready for our kids to begin a new time of learning. I feel pretty good that both my kids (one is going to the 12th grade, the other one is going to the second grade) had successful years. I know that I have seen a marked improvement in the way they both carry themselves. I am also proud in the way that they solve problems for their age group. I feel that school has as much to do with reading, writing and arithmetic, as it does with a student’s ability to become useful members of society. This job has to be the responsibility of both the teacher and the parent.
Here in NYC there is a movement to restructure the educational system. Some schools have closed only to see those buildings reopen with multiple schools inside. There is a drive to increase the number of charter schools. A charter school is a place where the class size is smaller and there is a specialized curriculum. There are as much as three charter schools inside some of these revamped school buildings.
The other movement involves having the teachers be more accountable to their students. Some want the totally dissolve the teachers’ union. This would have the teachers be only judged by a merit system that would not take their seniority into account. As a union member myself, I’m not in agreement with taking away hard, fought for work environment protections. I do feel that due to the ever changing work environment, both management and union must work closer together to protect the businesses that they represent.
Despite what goes on, we as positive parents have had to find more inventive ways to keep our kids motivated. On this July 4th, it has become very important to define for our kids what the American Dream is. There was a time when that dream included having a home, a car and a chicken in every pot. Since then, I believe that dream has redefined itself.
When I was a kid civil rights was important. There was no way for me to reach the American Dream if the playing field was uneven. Since this has been somewhat achieved the focus is now on the quality of our lives. Being happy is just as important as being successful. Where I work there are many people who are completely miserable with what they are doing. I on the other hand love what I do. I have made it my mission to cultivate the creativity that is within each of my kids. I feel that one’s level of happiness also has an effect on health and relationship issues.
Since I didn’t make it as a professional athlete, it’s not fair to push those dreams on my kids unless that is part of their dream. It is important for them to follow their own hearts and it is important for us as positive parents to encourage them. Life is too short to be miserable.
On this July 4th, I want everyone to know how proud I am to be an American. I feel that despite all the things that need to be corrected in this country, this is still the best place to be where the potential to have my dreams fulfilled can be realized.
I LOVE BEING A DAD!!