The item that should not be mixed that seems to get the most popularity is oil and water. Throughout my life, I can’t count the times this mixture is used as an analogy to describe any number of events. The truth is that oil will never mix with water. No matter what we do, this law of nature will never be undone. Some say that opposites are attracted to one another but these two are too close together to be viewed as opposites.

The best way to see just how destructive and deadly this mixture can be is to remember the oil spill that recently took place in the Gulf of Mexico. Whatever the oil touched, there was the potential for disaster. We have all seen many images of the cakes of oil that came on the beaches and those horrible scenes where the wildlife was covered in that grimy goo.

Here in the United States, there is a committed movement to clean up these messes as soon as they happen. In other areas such as some of the oil rich countries in Africa, oil spills happen on a regular basis. There, these things are seen as the normal way of doing business. Some of those countries are doomed to live with the destruction that the mixture of oil and water can produce.

There is another item that if not treated carefully could be just as destructive and deadly as any oil spill. That item is the relationship that exists between a parent and his/her child.

As positive parents, we are always looking for the thing or things that will make the relationship between us and our kids the perfect experience.  They have ranged from taking them to the park, helping with homework and even spending time with them at sporting and cultural events. We are all guilty of doing these things all in attempt to give our kids the best that life has to offer. The reality is there is no such thing as the perfect experience.

The bottom line is that we want our kids to be happy. We don’t want to see them in any kind of discomfort. In an attempt to meet this end, some of us have crossed the line that defines us as parents. Some have sacrificed being their kids’ parent and became their kids’ friend.

There is one area where I do my best not to cross the line that exists between us. That line defines me as the parent and them as the child. I feel very strongly that if I choose to be my kid’s friend, I cannot give them the guidance and knowledge they need to become useful citizens. The reason this happens is because as their friend I am seen as their equal. As an equal they can pick and choose what they will or will not listen to. As their friend they will never take what I say or do seriously. This is a mixture that could become more destructive than any oil spill.

Seeing images of wildlife covered in crude oil is just as bad as seeing a child who is behaving badly. The parent is nearby and will not say anything for fear that the child won’t like what is being said and not be their friend anymore.

All kids need some sort of standard to live by. They also at some time need to be disciplined. There is no way I can be an effective parent if I am my kid’s friend.

This does not mean that I have to be a tyrant. There are many times when my kids and I are laughing and having fun with one another. The bottom line is that all kids should have respect for their parents. I can be friendly without being their friend.

Being my kids’ friend is like mixing oil with water. Since nature does not allow this mixture to be successful, there is no way this type of relationship can bring about a positive family atmosphere.

As positive parents we need or kids to have respect for us. I feel that if parents have moved in the wrong direction by being their kids’ friend, it does not mean that all is lost. I feel that anyone can start over and begin to practice being a positive parent.

After all, what kind of parents we are will determine what kind of parents they will become.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

As positive parents, we have to be very careful of the example we set for our kids. Are we more interested in them just becoming #1 or are we interested in the quality of their life? I hope that all of us are highlighting the latter.

I personally feel that there is no embarrassment to being #2. What it means to me is that the group or person worked very hard to get to that high position. There may be one issue that has kept them from getting to that first spot.  Finishing #2 does not mean failure.

Next week everyone will be watching the Super Bowl. This is the championship game for the National Football League. The New York Giants will play the New England Patriots. Each team’s fans will hope that their team wins.

There are some fans who are very obsessed with their teams. When you visit them they have everything from tee shirts to coffee mugs with their team’s logo on them. Some have gone as far as to have the outside of their homes and their cars painted in the colors of their favorite team.

As a Cleveland Browns fan (I know, I know. I’ve talked this over with my therapist), there was nothing more disturbing than seeing a Pittsburg Steeler fan flaunting the colors black and gold. During that time (1970’s) it was a great disappointment not to see my team win.  I have carried this thought for a while, but I’m much better now.  Somehow I got side tracked. Where was I? (LOL)

There are some fans who think that if their team doesn’t win it all and finishes second, the whole season was a waste. I disagree. I feel that finishing second should be applauded.

In every instance each team had to beat many teams that had them become the champions of their divisions which earned them the right to get to the big game. In each team’s stadium there will be a banner hanging that will read “This team is the NFC or AFC champion”.

Let’s look at another thing that makes finishing #2 not so bad.  The prize money that each member of winning team from last year, 2011, received was $83,000. The members of the losing team got $42,000 each. This money doesn’t include their salaries or any other bonuses they may have as a part of their contracts.

My other favorite sport is basketball. Last year the finals included the Miami Heat and the Dallas Mavericks. Dallas won a best of seven games series by beating Miami 4-2.

Some thought that Miami’s season was a failure because they finished #2. I disagree. It took a lot of character for a team with a lot of new players to put themselves in a position to compete at the end. The calculations for the breakdown of the prize money in the NBA is a little more complicated than with the NFL, but it is still a lot of money.

I would guess that most fans do not make this kind of money for the whole year and it shows that we have to keep in perspective what the value of what being #1 is. We cannot be so obsessed that we give our kids the wrong message. In each of those examples we have to see that these are just games and although it’s fun to root for a team, whether they win or lose will not affect the world as a whole.

We must teach our kids that they must work hard to reach their goals. There is no substitution for hard work. We all want our kids to be the best they can be. If they fall a little short of the mark, they should be proud to say “I’m #2. I’m #2”.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

I have tried to live as positively as possible. I did not always look at life this way.  It is something that I have cultivated over the past few years and it began right after I began living sober. Someone from one of the many support groups I attended during that time would always point out to me that I should always walk with my head held high. That person continued to tell me that I had to separate myself from those acts I did in my drinking life to the way I was living now. He lastly explained to me that if I continued to walk with my head held down there could be a good chance I would walk into a wall or put myself in some other type of danger.

There were two other events that helped solidify this way of thinking. My mom worked as a receptionist for a major book company and she would bring home a lot of books for us to read. One of the books she came in contact with is called Think and Grow Rich: A Black Choice by Dennis Kimbro.  She was even able to get the author to autograph that copy. But to tell you the truth that book stayed in my bookshelf, collecting dust for a few years after she gave it to me.

When I finally began to read it, I found that the ideas it shared was just what I needed. The book talks about how we need to develop a different way of looking at things. It described that negative events do not necessarily mean that the world is coming to an end. For example, because I woke up late to go to work doesn’t mean that I am going to have a bad day. This leads to the next positive event in my life.

At the insistence of a coworker, I began attending an all men’s meeting at a church in Mt Vernon, New York. We attended that meeting for over a year and the underlying theme throughout is that God is good. The pastor gave us various things in the bible to corroborate this theme. She also went on to teach us that not only that is God good, but he is good all the time. So, I should not look at over sleeping as something negative. Perhaps, and I hope you are with me on this, I over slept because God has deemed it important that my lateness would put me in position to see somebody or something. Seeing that person or thing in some way is going to help me and in most instances, when I was late there was a person or a thing I needed to see. I strongly feel that on those days when I didn’t anyone, God was still working because there may have been someone who needed to see me.

These events have created in me the will and desire to remain positive at all costs. I have been doing this for so long that I don’t think I could think negative if I wanted to.

I have a Facebook account and I use it as a venue to talk about being positive. I am the guy with the glass that’s ½ full. Every day at 6:11 AM I will say something that will promote positivity and at times share a tool or two that could help someone get there. Please go there, become my friend (I’m Wendell Jordan Sr.) and let me know if these sayings are helpful you.

The bottom line is that my kids and your kids watch us a lot closer than they listen to us. This is why we have to be that light to show them that life is good.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

As a positive parent I look forward to this time of year because it gives me the opportunity to review what went on in my life during this time.  It gives me the chance to put behind me all the things that did not go well and to highlight all the things that did go well. This may sound a little self serving but, I feel it is important to be able to bring closure to things.  Closure, for me, means to shut the door on those events. The door is not shut tightly because I feel it is equally important for me to have the ability to glimpse at what I did and did not do well.

As with everyone there were many things I did last year that I would like to do over. I could act as if I never did it. This is not realistic. Once it is out there, it is out there.  So the best I can do is to put closure to the event and make notes so that I will not go that way again or so I could repeat the successes.

I believe that when failure or success happens, it is not necessarily life ending. If we look at the lives of many successful people, some of their lives were full of failures. The difference between them and everyone else is that they didn’t let those events stop them from moving forward.  We will also see that those same people didn’t stop to rest on their laurels. They keep on moving to see how far they could go.

All points of our life should be used as areas of growth.  I have to learn from everything. Every event in my life, both positive and negative, can be a stepping stone that could move me in a positive direction.

This is why I find it is so important to highlight those things that I did well. As human beings most of us are very critical of who we are and what we do. By highlighting those good things at the end of the year, it can give us hope and encouragement that we are not so bad after all.

As an example, one of the things that went well for me is my card and tee shirt business. This is the first year in three years that I made a profit. It wasn’t a large profit but, I feel it was a step in the right direction. For the past three years, at the end of each year, I looked at what I did. The thing that was holding me back was my misuse of my materials. I use a great deal of ink and card stock. What I learned from last year is that I must get better control over these materials.  So, I created a chart to show how much I spent on materials and another chart to show what I sold. The comparison of the two let me know how I was doing. This is not rocket science. What I want to show is if I had only looked at the losses in those previous years, I may have given up. I may have come to the conclusion that this business is a loser, therefore I’m a loser, so let me close up shop and go home.

The lesson I want my kids to learn is that the quality of their lives exists in between their ears. I want them to know that they can have positives lives despite what is going on around them. All the choices are theirs. If they can practice evaluating what went on the year before, they can make the necessary changes and live positively. There is nothing that could stop them.

Next year, they don’t have to be anxious over New Year’s resolutions.  They can rest assured that their lives can have meaning and their glasses will always be ½ full.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

I usually wait until the last possible second before I begin to buy things for my loved ones. It’s not because I don’t like the Christmas season. I love this time of the year. The streets are all decorated with Christmas lights. On every other corner there are vendors selling Christmas trees. There is nothing better than the smell of those trees. The best part about this time of year is that everyone seems to be filled with holiday spirit.

George, one of my coworkers, came up with a great idea for this holiday season. Another one of our coworkers, Andy, is undergoing dialysis and is unable to work. He has been out for a few months. George thought it would be a nice gesture if we could all donate money and give Andy a nice Christmas.  The turnout was remarkable. We raised about $1500 in about three days. One of the donators, Frank, wrote a check for $500. This is what the Christmas spirit is all about.

George went to visit Andy last Saturday. He met him at the dialysis center. He gets his treatments three times a week with one of those days being Saturday.  George told us that Andy was very surprised and deeply moved  by what we had done for him .

Giving is what it is all about during this time of year. I can’t help but think about all the other Andy’s that have no one to help them. These days are very difficult for some people. The food pantries are full with people who don’t have enough to eat and Christmas is just another day that they have to fight hunger and finding a warm, safe place to live.

I am very grateful that I have a place to stay and plenty of food to eat. Before I go to bed each night I thank God for what I have. This feeling of gratitude is what I try to get my kids to develop.

In a much earlier post I explained why I feel that the myth of Santa Clause has to be exposed. I feel it is very important for kids, at an early age, to understand who is really doing the buying and in some cases what sacrifices are being made to make sure they have what they want under the tree.

In recent years I have chosen to take my kids along with me so they can pick out exactly what they want. I have them make a list of ten or eleven items. I have a certain amount of money that I am going to spend, I make them aware of that amount and off we go to have some fun. I almost always go a little over but it’s nice to watch their excitement as they pick out what they want. The only thing is that they can’t play with or use whatever is bought until Christmas.

This is what I do and if you do something else it’s OK. I promise not to talk about you, at least not in front of you. The bottom line is that we must work as hard as we can to spend as much time as we can with the people we love.

Merry Christmas!!

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

It all began to change when a mysterious black cloud began to hover over him. At first the cloud was very small, but over time the cloud grew so large that he never saw the sun again.  Each morning when he woke up he was faced with having to live another cloudy day.

Over time this cloud began to affect him. His world was no longer perfect. It was no longer in the Palm of his hands.  He discovered that his wife of many years was not as perfect as he thought. To make matters worse he began to see flaws in his kids that made him wonder if they were possessed.

The one thing that broke the camel’s back is when THAT guy moved in next door. In his mind THAT guy destroyed his perfect neighborhood.  That guy didn’t throw wild parties nor was he overly rude. It was his presence that made the former perfect one uncomfortable.

Late one morning there was a knock on the door. It was THAT guy. He let him in and before he knew it THAT guy had grabbed him by the arm and took him to the back of the house.  When they arrived he saw something he never knew existed in his home. It was a big wall. As far as he could see to the right and to the left was this wall and in the middle was a door.

Before he could find out what was going on, THAT guy opened the door and   pushed him through it into a large hallway. As he regained his composure he watched the door close behind him. For 5 minutes he listened as each dead bolt lock clicked. He didn’t remember seeing those locks when he was on the other side.

For many days he tried everything he could think of to reopen the door. He kicked it, ran into it and banged on it as hard as he could. He hoped that someone on the other side would hear him. His attempts made him so tired that he slid down the door and sat on the floor. It was at this moment he realized that his life was over.

He remembered something a dear friend said to him many years earlier.  He told him “When one door closes another one opens but, it can be hell waiting in the hallway”.

Since he was already at the closed door, he began looking for the door that was open and there it was, on the other side of the hallway. The door was open just enough to see that there was a bright light in another room.

He did not move toward the open door. He so loved what was on the other side of the closed door. He just sat there, wishing he could be on the other side. There were times when he thought he heard someone calling his name. On another occasion he thought he heard a noise that sounded like someone was unlocking the door. All of this was nothing more than his imagination playing tricks on him.

He sat at the closed door for many years. He became very depressed and full of despair. He glanced over to open door and he wondered why hadn’t gone over there. He knew the answer and it was that he was afraid of what might be on the other side of that door. He also remembered what his friend told him,” That it could be hell waiting in the hallway”.  It became immediately clear what he had to do.

He gingerly walked over and swung the door open. What he saw amazed him. Inside the other room was a blue sky filled with so much hope and positive thinking. As he looked around, he began to wonder why he was so afraid. This is the place he definitely needed to be. He was filled with so much joy and happiness. He was even able to reunite with his wife and kids. He told them about his recent experience. His wife kissed him on the forehead and went back to shopping online; his kids patted him on the back and continued playing video games.

The one thing he learned was that once a door closes it is best to move to the open door as soon as possible. He should have never wasted his time dwelling on the past. The days that are gone, are gone. He learned that embracing change (this is what the open door represents) is what will keep his life filled with excitement and hope.

When one door closes another one opens but, it can be hell waiting in the hallway.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

It is during this time of the year when I also reflect on the progress that I have made. I love to check how this blog is doing and I am happy to say more of you came to visit me this year than last year. This makes me feel that I am going in the right direction.

The other area I like to look at is my personal progress. I consider November my power month. I feel this way because it was during this month that I got sober (Nov. 2, 1991) and it’s also my birth month (Nov. 19). Nov. 19 is also the day I stopped smoking cigarettes (15 years ago).  So you can see why this month is so special for me.

As I look over the rest of the year there have been a few changes for me. My ten year relationship with my significant other is over, it’s been almost a year since my mom was placed in a nursing home and I lost a grandchild.

Based on this year’s events alone, no one would blame me if I were to revert back to that person who drank and smoked. I could always use the convenient excuse” the events made me do it”.

Despite what has gone on, I feel positive about the future. On my Face book page, my motto is that “I am the guy with the glass that’s half full”. I strongly believe that life can be a positive experience and that those negative things that pop up are tools to use to make us stronger.

As a positive parent, I know that my kids watch me both during good times as well as the bad times. This has been a strong motivator for me in keeping such a positive attitude. For me it’s a conscience effort to be aware of how I’m reacting to things. There are many eyes on me.

I had a great discussion with my oldest son. It was his child that died. He talked about the emotional roller coaster he had experienced. He also described that at some point in time he had found his peace.

Finding your peace can be the most significant thing you could do to get you through a difficult situation. For me it’s about calming the many voices in my head so that I can come to most reasonable solution and there are many times when I don’t get it right the first time. Trial and error are the catch words until I reach that moment of peace.

Finding your peace does not have to be limited to negative events. It is during this time of year when many people get together. This can be the best time to find your peace with your relationships. Use this time to bury the hatchet and by no means do I mean in someone’s head. The jails are full.  We must also be careful with the words we use. Some words can cut like razors, or for that matter, hatchets.

I just came up with a great idea. Create a document. Let’s see…… We could call it a peace treaty. Yeh…. In the document you could say that both of you agree to get along with each other and have the document expire next year. Each of you sign it and now the both of you are at peace until next year. I think this could work.

Find your peace!!

I would like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

As positive parents we all worry what we will do if our main place of employment closes its doors. I am very lucky. The job I’ve had has lasted for almost 25 years and it looks like I may get to the point where I will be able to retire in about 5 or 6 years. My past includes a period of time when I wasn’t working. It was during the time when I lived in Cleveland, Ohio. I lived there for about 13 years, from 1972 to about 1985. It was during this time when many of the nation’s top industries were closing or moving to Mexico or Europe or the Far East. I saw, first hand, what a ripple effect due to economic turmoil looks like.

Here in the east coast, specifically NYC, we are just beginning to feel the pain of economic turmoil. In that part of the country (I call Ohio part of the Midwest) people have been struggling for many years. There are many cities in Ohio and in the remainder of the country that have become ghost towns because the main source of employment has left or closed.

At one point in time in our country’s history people took pride in what was produced here. It is difficult find many things that are now made here. It is not uncommon that many of the products that we use every day are made in some other part of the world.  Despite this there seems to be a new movement that highlights things being made in America.

It was during those times of our country’s past that hard work and determination were the catch phrases every one used. It is important that we do not move away from these basic principles. Now more than ever, we as positive parents must continue to instill these ideals in our children.

Even though we are now in the electronic age, our kids must work hard to be able to compete. After all this new age has made the world a much smaller place and the competition is not just with those in this country. Our kids are competing with other kids from all over the globe.

My dad has taught me that hard work is the foundation for success. Success is a relative term. Success for one could be to earn one million dollars. Success for another could be to overcome an eating disorder. Despite the goal, hard work is the only way to reach it.

Since our kids watch us more closely than they listen to us, we must show them how to positively work (there are ways to get this done without burnout) and we must also show them the rewards.

The other thing that my dad taught me is that we are only responsible for the effort not the result. I interpret this as meaning that I must give it my all, at all times because it is by doing this that I have the potential to become the best person that I can be.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

In my own life, I have had situations when I wasn’t sure where my life was going. During those times I can remember the feelings of utter desperation. Although I never thought of taking my life there are times when I thought my life would remain in a rut and that I would never be able to get out of it.  It didn’t help that during some of those times I was caught in the throngs of alcohol and drug abuse. I wonder if these things played any part in those news stories. Any mind under those kinds of influences cannot perform properly. It was during those days while I was in many drunken stupors that I felt the most alone. Even after I was able to escape the clutches of those addictions, there was still this dark hole that existed around me. I want to add that I my escape was not done completely by myself. I thank God for my family and others who helped me through those times.

After ending my relationship with those terrible habits, I spent many years trying all the self help techniques in an attempt to fill the void that existed in my life. After all, I got involved with those things to fill that void.

My mom had worked for a book publisher and she would bring home many good books. Some of them autographed. One day she gave me a book and I just put it away with the many others she had given me.  During the network marketing stage of my life, I searched my pile to find that book.   The name of the book is “Think and Grow Rich: A Black Choice”. The authors were Napoleon Hill and Dennis Kimbro.  I learned sometime later that “Think and Grow Rich” was originally written in 1937. Napoleon Hill saw the need for such a reading.  This book really changed my life.

This book explained the need to change the way we look at things.  I learned that the most compelling influence in my life is the thoughts that go on between my ears. The choices are mine. I could choose to think negatively or positively.

By choosing to think positive, I find that my life has a new meaning.  I know longer see the glass as ½ empty. I see it always as ½ full.  With this outlook I see the world as a place of continual opportunities. Even when things are not going my way, I have the hope that these things will work themselves out. Although there are times when I am alone, there are few times when I feel lonely. I wonder if this book could have helped the people in those news reports.

On November 2, 2011 I will be 20 years sober. Yea!!

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

When we first moved in, the Albany Houses was brand new. Our address was 1414 Bergen Street. Apartment 8B.  At least that’s what I remember.  My brother and I shared a room and my sister had her own room. From the living room and the room my brother and I shared, we could look down and see what we called the “Little Park” and another building (1430 Bergen Street).  The view my sister and parents had was of Bergen Street (there was a NYC Transit Authority facility right across the street) and Dean Street.  Although we couldn’t see Atlantic Avenue, we could see the elevated train tracks of the Long Island Railroad. This apartment gave us some interesting views of our neighborhood. Some of those views became the subjects of my mother’s paintings. One of them “1430 Bergen Street” is the picture I used for this post.

I have fond memories of those days.  Life then seemed to be much simpler than it is today. I feel that the protective bubble my parents kept us in was the main reason why we felt so good about that time in our lives.

The thing I don’t remember about those times is having any sibling rivalry.  I am the oldest. My sister is two years behind me and my brother is one year behind her. Our ages were close enough where this rivalry could exist. I believe the influence of our parents kept this from happening. I never remember our parents comparing us to the other. I never heard the words “I wish you could be like your brother/sister”.  This I attribute to the way I believe our parents viewed us.  This view included seeing us as three different individuals, each with our own needs and aspirations. During those years I never felt that I didn’t get what I needed. There were many times when I didn’t get what I wanted but this is where I think they exhibited why it was so important to be my parents and not my pals. Everything I wanted I didn’t need.   The main thing they wanted to highlight was not our differences but what these differences brought to the family.

With my own kids, I’ve tried to copy this same behavior. Each of these boys has his own distinct personality. I never compare one to the other. It is my opinion that each one has his own special talents and it is my job, as a positive parent, to cultivate them. I feel that rivalries come about because kids want to be the one who gets all the attention. We see this happening in the animal kingdom. The strongest baby animal does everything he/she could do to get it all. In some cases the other babies die as a direct result of the aggression of the strongest.

As positive parents we would never want any of our kids to experience physical death. I know I want my kids to experience full and productive lives. If we allow rivalries to grow then we could set up these young minds to experience spiritual death. They could be so obsessed with trying to be number one that they can lose sight to what makes them unique.

When describing my kids I will give them each the title of number one, number two or number three. I use this to denote who was born first, who was born second and who was born third. As far as their talents and potential are concerned they are all number one. If one is having a problem in which the other one excels in, I encourage the one who is excelling to help the other.

It is my opinion that sibling rivalries can disrupt a family. As positive parents we must discourage this behavior. We must show that our differences are to be celebrated not used as tools to hold one another down.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!