I Love Being A Dad

Mom at her show.

Happy belated Mother’s Day!  In addition to what we do throughout the rest of the year, this is one day that we let our moms know just how important they are to us.

For the past few years my mom has been in a nursing home suffering from dementia.  On my many visits there are times when she knows exactly who I am. There are other times when she will call me by a family member’s name. There are still other times when I’m called a name that must be someone from her past.

I usually visit around the time when they feed her dinner. She has gained weight during her time at this great place which means that she is eating well. You can tell from the condition she is in along with everyone else that is on that floor, that the staff is doing a great job.

Some say that boys are closer to their moms and girls are closer to their dads. In my case I feel that this is definitely true.

It took a number of years before she got so bad that she had to be permanently hospitalized. At first it appeared that she was just being forgetful.  None of us took this too seriously since this is a condition all of us suffer from as we are getting older.

For her it seemed to begin right after she began complaining about having severe headaches. The doctors said that she had bleeding in her brain and began to give her medication that did a marvelous job in not only stopping the bleeding but it also help heal her. We later found out that she had an aneurism which happened when a blood vessel broke in her brain. It could be considered a stroke.  She had a second stroke and it was this action that led to her being put in a nursing home.

As I sit with her in her room, you can see the determination in her eyes. Even in this weakened state you can almost hear the wheels in her head turning trying to get control of her jumbled thoughts.

This is a very different lady we grew up with.

I can remember the many shopping trips we took to downtown Brooklyn. Before we would begin shopping she would gather the three of us together, look us each in the eye and explain how the trip was going to be. She would tell us that there was a limited amount of money, that we were not to act up and if we did she would point to my dad. He played right along by giving us that mean look to let us know that she meant business.

In fact looking back on those days, it was my mom who may have been the real enforcer. She was never one to beat us although we did receive spankings (spanking are good) when any one of us got totally out of control.

Whenever we did something that she felt was the wrong thing to do, she would lecture us. That may have been worse than the spanking. Once you got spanked it was over. The lectures, though, would appear to go on forever. I don’t know anything about water boarding but that might have been a more appealing punishment.

One thing that my mom had was the gift of listening. When I lived in Ohio, I would spend countless hours talking to her on the phone. We would talk about a lot of different topics. There were many times when I was talking to her that I was high or drunk. Since I have been away from that lifestyle for a long while, I can tell immediately if anyone I was talking to was under the influence.

She must have also been able to tell in my voice what was going on. Despite that she never commented about my condition. Instead she would subtly give me instructions on what I should be doing with my life. She just listened as I sometimes rambled on for what seemed like hours at a time.  Even after I had been sober for a few years she would always interested in what I was saying and what I was doing.

As I wrote earlier that it was the second stroke she had that made it necessary to put her in place that would be able to give her all day care. I’ve learned over these few years to accept the fact that putting her there was a necessary decision. I just am very relieved that she is in a safe place.  This is the place she needs to be.

On one of my recent visits she gave me a glimpse of what it used to be like. She was giving me instructions on something she thought I should be doing. I have no idea of what she wants me to do. Her condition has her sometimes rambling.

All I can do is listen to her as she listened to me for those many years.  Sometimes I’ll ask her a question about what she said and she will give me an answer even though I don’t understand what she is talking about. The important thing is that we are together.

Although Mother’s Day was last week, I need you to stop what you are doing and call your mom right now. Tell her you love her and that you appreciate all that she has done for you.

Perhaps your mom is in a similar place like where my mom is. Go sit with her and although she may not remember who you are, she can be comforted that she is not alone.

I am the guy whose glass is always ½ full.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!!

I will continually pray for the families who lost loved ones as a result of the bombings at the Boston Marathon.  I will also pray for the 269 people who were injured. It is my understanding that many of them have returned home. There are a dozen or so who have lost limbs because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. I will put in some extra prayers for their quick rehabilitation.

In each case all of those affected will have to go through a period of readjustment. For some it will not be easy to return to a normal life. I am very happy that many across the country and abroad have reached out to show their support. It is also reassuring that even though these two monsters succeeded in setting off bombs at a very popular event, they failed in their attempt to destroy the human spirit.

I remember clearly when the World Trade Center towers were destroyed.  I thank God that no friends or family members were part of the over 3000 people who lost their lives. I was here in NYC when the attack took place. I was horrified as I watched these two majestic buildings fall to the ground along with attacks on the Pentagon and those who lost their lives on that plane that went down in Pennsylvania.

One thought came to my mind. That thought is that life as we know it will never be the same.

I wondered how long it would take before I would feel comfortable about living in what I think is the greatest city in the world. I stayed home for two days because that’s what the Governor and the Mayor ordered. They wanted to make sure that there were no more threats in the borough of Manhattan. (Manhattan is one of five boroughs that make up NYC. The World Trade Center was located in lower Manhattan.  )

Those two days were very nerve racking. At the time I lived near the only airport that was open in the whole country and the motion in and out of JFK International Airport was done only by military planes. These aircraft are extremely loud and it was difficult sleeping during that time period.

This reminds me of an experience my kids went through while they were visiting their grandmother in Youngstown, Ohio. This happened many years ago and they still talk about their insecure feelings they had at that time. She lived in a very rough neighborhood. The unemployment rate was at a very high level. It seemed that those who needed to act illegally came out at night. My kids and their grandmother became very adept at rolling out of their beds in the late night and early morning hours because that’s when the gun fire would be most active.

We usually think of terrorism as an acts perpetrated by foreign nationals. They set bombs in prominent areas in an attempt to drive fear into the population at large.

We fail to realize that places where my late mother-in-law lived were and are places where people live in constant fear. In these places no one is living a normal, stable life.

Take Chicago, Ill. for example. Homicides in this great city had increased 60% for the first three months of 2012 as compared to the same time in 2011. Most of these are Black on Black crimes that have taken place in the city’s south side.

Chicago has one of the toughest gun laws in the country. Despite this the amount of handguns that find their way into the city are staggering. These are not foreign nationals building bombs in their tiny apartments. These are Americans who have found loop holes in the existing laws which make it legal to buy guns in another state and bring them to these troubled areas.

Chicago is not the only city to experience increases in violence. Detroit, Mich., St. Louis, Mo., and Oakland, Calif. are becoming some of the most dangerous places in America.

Some say that rising unemployment in this troubled economic times are the fuel for these increases in violence. It is well documented that the minority populations in these cities are the first to feel the effects of a negative economy. We are usually the last to be hired and the first to be fired.

I moved to Ohio in 1973. Cities like Cleveland and Youngstown were thriving communities. In the mid to late 1970’s the steel mills in Youngstown closed as a result of cheaper steel in Europe and Asia.

The closures first affected just Youngstown.  After a short period of time the affect was felt all over the Great Lakes area. Some areas were able to recover. Other areas like the Southside of Chicago and Youngstown never recovered.

What did increase was the amount and level of violence that has occurred in these cities.

As positive parents we want to live in a nice environment. It can be a very difficult life when part of one’s night time ritual is rolling out of his/her bed.

I understand that we as a country have to do all we can to protect our way of life from those who were born in far off lands.

I also think it is equally important to protect those who live in those cities that are over run with crime.  They do not deserve to be terrorized any longer. Everyone is entitled to live a normal and stable life.

I’m the guy whose glass is always ½ full.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

I am really troubled by the recent tragedy that took place in Boston, Mass. The Boston Marathon is a cultural tradition. Every year over 20,000 runners participate in the 26.2 mile run. It took just a few seconds to turn this great event into a day of horror. As a positive parent there is no greater fear than losing a child. Especially at an event that celebrates life. There were 4 people who lost their lives as a result of the actions by 2 men.

Brothers Dzhokhar and Tamerlane Tsarnaev set off two bombs near the finish line of the marathon. There is talk that they became radicalized and developed a strong hatred for the country that took them in. They were originally from Chechnya, a war torn country located in southern Russia.

It’s hard to imagine what these two monsters were thinking about. Were they seeking revenge against the United States? Did they think that destroying the lives of innocent people would give them retribution?

To make matters worse it seemed that the plan the two had devised was not complete. They had the first part together in that they seemed to know where they were placing the bombs and who they wanted to attack but they had no getaway plan. Did they plan to set off more bombs? Or even more insane did they think they could pull off the greatest crime in Boston history and return to their normal lives?

In this day and age it’s hard to get away with anything. Obviously these two didn’t watch a lot of television. In almost all the popular shows the criminal gets caught or at least identified from security or cell phone cameras. There are cameras everywhere.  All these guys had to do was spend at least one night watching the news.  They would have seen just how easy it is to get caught. Maybe they wanted to get caught?

The other thing that was underestimated by these two madmen was that law enforcement officials don’t ever give up. It may take some time but these protectors of society always get their man/woman. I was very happy when after a few days law enforcement released pictures of the two.

As a result of their pursuit one is dead and the other is in serious condition at a local hospital. Perhaps he will eventually supply the world with answers it desires.

As a positive parent I can imagine how the parents of the four who died are feeling. Every parent thinks their kids will outlive them. Their worlds have been turned inside out. I know there are no answers that will ease the pain these parents feel.

These positive parents must also not give up. They must find a way to continue the legacy of their children.

It seems that the whole purpose of terrorism is to put fear in minds of the people that are attacked.  It’s unfortunate that these deliverers of destruction fail to take notes on what really happens. In this instance people were running to the disaster not away from it. It’s heartwarming to see that people stopped what they were doing to help out where they could. Many more lives were saved as a result of these courageous people. They did not give up.

This act of terror was perpetrated by two that were members of a certain ethnic group. It would be easy to single out this group and say that all it’s’ members have terrorists thoughts. That would be unfair.

We have to separate the choices made by a few from the ethnic groups they say they are a part of. We cannot give up on those that had nothing to do with these types of acts.

For example it would be unfair to link all Caucasian people for the acts of the Ku Klux Klan. These were radicalized Americans who terrorized all who were not like them. They were not much different from their Middle Eastern cousins in that they wore masks and attacked innocent civilians.

There was no need for Krystle Campbell, Martin Richard, Lingzi Lu and Sean Collier to lose their lives. They had promising futures. One of the four was only 8 years old. What did he do?

It is important that we let the world know that America will not give up its’ freedoms. We will not let anyone or any group send us into the kind of fear that will cause us to abandon the life that we cherish.

Instead these people or groups will see us respond. We will first help those that are affected and we will second to not give up on bringing those who perform these kinds of acts to justice.

I’m the guy whose glass is always ½ full.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

One of the things I have learned over the years is the necessity of taking a personal inventory. I do this at various times throughout the year. The process is a very simple one. It requires that I sit in a quiet place and make a list of where I think I am in my life. This is not a list for everyone to see. This helps me to be as honest as I can with myself. When I finished writing and analyzing the list, I destroy it.

On a recent list I looked at my retirement plans. Soon I will become a part of the population that receives a pension check once a month. As a part of the list I ask myself questions like “Am I financially ready to retire?” Another question I asked is “Am I mentally ready to retire?” Most people don’t understand that both are important parts of the retirement process. I have 4 more years before I reach the time requirement of 30 years. I am already 5 years over the age requirement of 55. I find this to be a very exciting time and I look forward to getting prepared for this next chapter of my life.

Another thing I have been looking at is the progress of this blog. I really enjoy writing and I hope that I have written about subjects that have interested you. In the beginning I wasn’t sure how I would be able to find topics to write about every other week but after almost 4 years I found out that I have a great deal to say about positive parenting.

Positive parenting is something that I take very seriously. In fact I have been on a quest to make every experience in my life a positive one. I found that there is no time to dwell on whatever setbacks I have gone through. I have chosen to turn those events into stepping stones for my personal growth. I have learned over the years that it is important not to focus on the closed doors in my life. It is more important to move fearlessly toward the doors that have been opened.

During this same time while taking my inventory I could not help but think about how fast time has moved. Wendell Jr. will be 31this year. Deshawn just turned 19 and Jonathan will be 9 in May.

I don’t want anyone to get the idea that I want to return to the time when these guys were babies. I went through the process of changing diapers and heating formula. Although there is a 10 year gap between the 3, I have no desire to return to that period of time.

Instead I have chosen to cherish those memories. My only regret is what Wendell Jr. had to experience in his early life with a dad who was an active alcoholic and that he had to breathe in second hand smoke from a pack a day smoker. He stayed sick a lot during those times. His mother and I were always taking him to the doctor for an ear infection or a sore throat. It wasn’t until I had been sober and smoke free for a number of years that I realized how much damage that lifestyle had done to him. I thank God there is no permanent damage. He recently went to get a checkup at the family doctor and he received a clean bill of health.

For those who still smoke, STOP. Deshawn and Jonathan very rarely get sick and I attribute that to them living in a smoke free household. Don’t underestimate the dangers of second hand smoke.

Wendell Jr. has turned from that little boy who had ear infections to a grown man. He and his wife have blessed his mother and me with 3 beautiful grandkids. There would have been 4 but one went to be with God. They are now separated and I feel that the way they handled that loss is the reason why.

Deshawn is attending a business college here in NYC. It is exciting to watch as he learns new things that he will use as he makes this transition from teenager to manhood. I feel that at his age he needs constant attention. He doesn’t need help with the basics. He has that well under control. What I help him to work on is his thought process. All kids at some point in time feel they know more than their parents. The thing about being 19 is that they can act out on what they are thinking. I am always talking to him about those dangers that are around him and I think he is listening closely.

Jonathan recently spent his spring break vacation with me. I see him on these occasions and one weekend a month. It’s amazing how tall he gets each time we get together. At almost 9, he is too young to be thinking about career goals but it is still interesting when he talks about all the things he has learned. He has a large vocabulary for kid his age and at times I ask if he understands the words he uses. It’s fun listening to him as he explains their meanings, sometimes in great detail.

I enjoy the time I spent with my kids and I want the readers of this post to realize that time will wait for no one. We are already in the fourth month of the year. Wasn’t New Year’s just yesterday? As positive parents we have to make the most of what we have in front of us because in a blink of an eye that time has passed.

I am the guy whose glass is always ½ full.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

On March 10 Eastern Daylight Savings Time began here on the east coast. This is the time of year when more daylight is the signal that winter is over. One season ends and another begins.

With each passing season we have the chance to start all over again. It’s like having New Year’s Eve 4 times a year. I don’t make any resolutions at these times of the year but I do look forward to the new beginnings.

It’s nice to be able to put away those heavy coats, gloves and thick hats. I really enjoy being able to walk around this great city without the burden of the extra weight. It’s also especially nice to sit on the park or sidewalk benches and people watch.

This winter was not as severe as has been the in the past. We only had a couple of events with heavy snow fall. The snow came and went so fast that if you didn’t pay attention you may not have known that it snowed at all. The quick cleanup was due to the warm winter temperature.

Do you remember the blizzard that hit this area in December, 2010? That was one to remember. It was one of the few times that the whole city was seriously affected. In fact that snow storm shut down the whole city. Everything was affected. This included the famous NYC Transit system. You don’t have to search long to find many pictures of busses stuck in the snow. In fact there was so much snow there were many cars and trucks also stuck with no place to go.

Another storm that seriously affected the east coast was Hurricane Sandy in 2012.  This was a category 3 storm that wreaked havoc all along the coastlines that surround the city. Although this was not a winter storm its effect is very fresh in the minds of many.

New York City has a large homeless population. The winter time is when you can see the immenseness of this problem. It’s not uncommon to see people sleeping almost anywhere to get out of the cold. It seems that most take refuge in the subways and on the subway platforms. There are also those who choose to rest out in the public as opposed to seeking shelter inside.

NYC is known for its beautiful buildings. The architecture on some of these structures is breath taking. I really enjoy looking at the beauty of many of the churches that are located in the city.

Along with the beauty of these places of worship some of these places have also become the sleeping places for the homeless. It is a regular site to see these steps stacked with blankets and cardboard. Most times there are people under those stacks of blankets. If you stand there long enough you may verify it when you see the blankets move. We all know it is impossible for any of us to sleep without some movement.

Some of the homeless suffer from serious mental issues. There are others who are simply on the wrong side of some tragic event.

As I stated earlier this past winter wasn’t that bad. There were though a few days when the temperature was very low. In fact on those days the city issued warnings to all us that it would be dangerous to spend large amounts of time exposed to these low numbers.

On one of those days I was walking by a synagogue. I pass this building regularly and on the steps there was that usual site of stacked blankets. Also in sight there was a shopping cart filed to the brim with what I assume were this person’s life possessions.

I had to stop. I looked to see if there was any movement under those blankets, I saw nothing and I was torn whether to leave him/her alone or should I call for help. It was really cold. I had three layers of clothes on and it didn’t seem like it was enough. I on many occasions try to help when I can but it has been my experience that some homeless get very irate when disturbed while sleeping. It is my understanding that most in this lifestyle don’t sleep every day like most of us. Many may be up for many days before their bodies just shut down for lack of sleep.

I chose to walk away but that sight stayed on my mind. After an hour or so I returned to that synagogue. To my surprise the blankets were folded up nice and neat. It was also a surprise that there wasn’t one person under those blankets. There were two. There was a man and a woman.

They were not paying attention to me at all. They had no idea about how concerned I was about them. They were sharing a cigarette and when I looked around them all of their stuff was packed up in a second shopping cart that I didn’t see earlier.

What made this scene so amazing was that not only did they seem not affected by the cold but the man was sweeping up the area they were sleeping on. Wow.

This experience only lasted a few minutes. My feeling of concern went to a feeling of admiration for this couple. There is no way I could have slept as calmly as they did on one of the coldest days in the winter.

I was very relieved to see that they were alright.

I also began to ask myself if I had to could do what they did. I answered myself quickly with if I had to, I guess I would.

In that short time I went from feeling concerned to having admiration to experiencing a real sense of gratitude.

My kids and I had a warm place to sleep and food to eat last night. We look at the weather report to see how we will dress for the day. It’s a blessing that we don’t have to let the weather determine whether we sleep inside or outside.

I have real gratitude.

In January, 2013 there were 50,100 homeless people in the municipal shelter system in NYC. This includes 12,000 families with 21,000 children. This number is 61% higher than in 2002.

We should not forget the homeless.

I’m the guy whose glass is always ½ full.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!!

Everyone at some time or another has asked him/herself one important question. That question is “Where do I belong?”From the moment we leave our mother’s womb the process to become a part of a group begins. We start off with our families becoming our first major group.

For those of us who have siblings, we had to find out where we fit in with our family. In my family I am the oldest and I always felt that it was my job to be the protector and set the right example for my brother and sister.

There were times during those early years when I felt my parents were being unfair with me. I could not do all the things I wanted to do. It was not until I got older that I realized that some of those things were not good for me or my family.

At some point in time we venture out from our families to make our marks in the world. This is the normal way that we enhance our development.

Many of us have joined many groups during our lives in the quest to belong. In school we may have joined the debate club or the cheerleading team. I love sports and as a young man I played on the softball and basketball teams.

I believe it is in our DNA to want to belong to some group or organization. Sometimes it is the group that defines who we are. This could mean that we are continuing to do those things we learned from our parents or it could mean we want to travel in different directions. In any event we are all looking for that right place, that one place where we feel most comfortable.

Growing up as a young black male in the 1950′s and 1960′s there was always the question of where do I belong in this society. Even though we are all created equal, at the time we lived in a country that did not see us as equal. There were many times when I wished that I could turn myself into a different skin color. Perhaps then I would be able to fit in and experience the American dream.

During this same time there was a great explosion in the use of mind altering substances. It seemed that the mantra then was “It is important to feel good”.

There are those who think this was an experiment that went terribly wrong. Some say that these substances were introduced first into the Black community to destroy it. These experimenters seemed to not be aware of the rise of rebellion that was going on throughout the country at that time. It wasn’t long before these substances were in every community not just those on that side of the tracks. What do you think?

In 1973 I turned 21 years old. Along with my compulsive nature, I became a member of the feel good group for the next 20 or so years. It was not until I was sober for 5 years that it became clear what had to be done in order for me to belong.

I want to make it clear that this is my story. Not everyone turned to the use of substances to find themselves.

Wendell Jr. was 8 years old when I went to a rehab. Before I left that lifesaving place in South Hampton, NY I learned that this boy could possibly have that same compulsive nature that I have and it became an important issue for me to keep him from this kind of experience.

I now have an understanding of where I belong and how to continue to grow.

The important challenge was how to get this understanding into my kids. I have chosen 2 methods. The first is to not live my life through my kids. The second is to help them find where they are most comfortable. Everyone has a niche. It is my job to help them develop theirs.

Wendell Jr. has a true gift of gab and is becoming a very talented salesman. Deshawn, at 19 years old, is still searching for his identity but he seems to be leaning towards writing. Jonathan is too young to see where he belongs. His brothers and I will keep a close eye on him and help him in whatever direction he wants to move.

I now understand that all growth is done on the inside.

In order for me to know where I am going I have to be comfortable in my own skin. This helps me to know what I need to work on and it helps me to know what talents I need to exploit.

All in all I know exactly where I belong.

I am the guy whose glass is always ½ full.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

I’ve been a parent for the past 30 years.  There are many things that have changed during this time. One thing is that my kids are a lot older now which means I don’t have to watch them as closely as I had to. Although we are doing different things in different parts of the city, we still find time to get together. There is one thing that I will never get tired of.  Spending time with my kids is still and always will be the one thing I greatly enjoy.

When they were first born it was fun doing things for them they could not do for themselves.

When Wendell Jr. was born I thought about how nervous I was holding him. I remember asking the nurse to take him because I was afraid that I would drop him. That was a new experience and if I my mind serve me correctly it was a few months before I came comfortable with the idea that I would not drop him. In fact it was not uncommon for me to be seen walking with him in a baby harness.

I was not as nervous when the other two were born. I did not go into the delivery with any of my guys. I was too afraid that my squeamishness would cause me to pass out. This experience was about the mother and baby. I didn’t want the hospital to waste its’ valuable resources on reviving me and I also didn’t want to become the brunt of any daddy jokes.

I watched with excitement as each kid took their first steps. I did all I could to restrain myself from running over to them each time it seemed that they would fall. When one of them did fall I would check to see if they were hurt and when it was apparent that “I” survived the fall we would continue on We learned the importance of moving past that type of event since there would be so many more events ahead of us.

I knew I had arrived when they started talking. At first I could not understand baby talk. Since I was a salesman I learned baby body language so I was able to stay in tuned with what they wanted in between the incomplete sentences and mispronounced words.

As their language skills increased it was nice to be able to understand them and to have a two way conversation. As time went on they were able to articulate their thoughts more clearly and it became a harder challenge to convince them that they still had a long way to go before they could make decisions on their own

Right now all three kids, Wendell Jr., Deshawn and Jonathan have no problem letting me know what is on their minds. My relationship with them has changed from me being the person in control to the person who is a facilitator in their day to day lives.

I have learned that the relationship with these three boys has to be a two way relationship. This serves purposes. First it gives me the chance to hear what their concerns are in a particular area. I always have felt it was my job as a positive parent to tell them if their concerns are real or imagined. In some instances young people don’t understand what is going on around them. This is where it becomes very important to share with them my experiences. I always felt it was important to be truthful with my guys. There are some things I have never experienced. One of my granddaughters was still born. I did not have any words of wisdom for this experience. This is when I learned about the valuable tools of listening and just being there.

I have said in many posts and I will repeat it here that kids come to most conclusions based on what they see. I have never said to my guys “Do as I say not as I do”. This means it would be very difficult to explain the perils of smoking while I’m smoking a pack a day. They have to see what I am saying.

In recent years I have purposely cultivated these relationships with these 3 kids in such a manner that it will make it possible for us to pass along ideas one to the other. Although I am the dad and I love being a dad, I am no longer in the role as the only one with all the answers. Since we are a team, it is important for each member to help the other. This way we can continue to move forward.

There are many times when I need their help to solve a problem.  For example I have an app on my phone where I can get the schedule for the subway. It’s called SCHNYC. It’s a great app in that at the swipe of my finger I can know what time the train is leaving when I need to go. It even gives alerts when there will be service interruptions.

I searched and searched for a similar app that would provide bus schedules. This is very important because I live in an area where I need to take a bus to get to the subway. I mentioned this to Wendell Jr. and he informed me that already had a great app. In fact it was an app that I told him about. It’s called HOPSTOP. This app I used primarily as a direction finder. I plug in my start destination and my ending destination and it will give the best way to travel. It can be used if I’m driving, walking or taking mass transit.

I opened the app on my phone and he showed me on the bottom of the screen a button named schedules. When I pushed the button a whole new world opened up to me. Not only can I get directions, I can also get schedules for every mass transit entity that is located in the NYC Transit system.

The world is now safe. Bring out the women and children.

This is not the only thing I learned. At Least once a week I learn something new from Wendell Jr., Deshawn or Jonathan. This is what team work is all about. Every member of this team brings to the table his unique skills and then we all move together as a family to that next plateau.

As I get older my role with my guys changes. In the beginning it was one thing. Now it has moved to a different level.

One thing has stood out more than any other thing and that is I really enjoy my kids.

I’m the guy whose glass is always ½ full.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

My dad was born in 1924 deep in the south. Louisiana is as far south as one can get. Along with Alabama and Mississippi the only way anyone could go any farther south is to go for a swim in the Gulf of Mexico. Many consider this area the poorest part of the country. This has become evident as we look at what was destroyed during the recent storms.

My grandmother was born in Pointe Coupee Parish. I believe my grandfather was born in Wegmann, La. in Orleans Parish.

Pointe Coupee Parish is located just north of Baton Rouge.  My grandmother and my dad told me many times that she was not a slave and I have no reason not to believe them. In fact the 1860 Census showed that there were12, 903 slaves and 721 “free colored”. Her family traveled from the Pointe Coupee and settled in Jefferson Parish (which is just south of New Orleans).

I don’t know when they made that trip but the trip itself must have been a difficult one. The 1870 Census stated that from 1860 to1870 there was a migration of former slaves from Pointe Coupee to Orleans Parish.

Perhaps they didn’t leave then. Maybe they left after the flood of 1912. This flood had the whole area under water for six weeks.

It’s interesting to imagine how they made that trip. While on vacation in Louisiana in 1970 I remember that it took us an hour and a half to drive from West We Go in Jefferson Parish to Baton Rouge. I wonder how long it took them. Did they walk, ride in a horse drawn wagon or did they simply hitch a ride on the railroad?

However they came, I’m sure they hoped that life would be better in their new location. Although there was new hope they would never be able to escape the cruelty of racism. Their skin color was one thing they could not leave behind.

It is interesting to note that three years after my dad was born in 1924 there was another major flood of the Mississippi River. It was called The Great Mississippi Flood of 1927. It affected ten states. They were Arkansas, Illinois, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, Tennessee, Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas.

From what is written about this flood it was worse than the flood in 1912 and the damage was more severe than what Katrina left in its’ wake.

I remember where my grandparents lived on Gilligan Street and they would point to what looked to me as a mound of dirt but was actually a levy that separated them from the Mississippi River. It was so close that I could have easily walked to it.

I don’t know what happened to them during this time. Perhaps they didn’t have a lot of damage.  In any event they stayed right there.

It is also interesting to note that this flood was the cause of the great migration that sent many southern Blacks to the Northern Cities.

Growing up as a young Black American male deep in the south was very difficult. The many stories my dad would tell me would make the hair on my neck stand up.

He told me a story of how one of his friends was shot and killed by a local policeman because he looked like someone who committed some crime.

He told me another story when he and his friends were on a city bus going home and a local policeman made them get off and questioned them as to where they were going. The bus didn’t wait for them and when the policeman was finished with them, they had to walk home. They couldn’t walk along the main road. Their greatest fear was that another policeman or some other crazed person would stop them and no telling where that encounter would lead. They were forced to walk in the dark along the railroad tracks.

On many occasions my dad told me the main reason why he wanted to leave his home town was because he could not deal with the racial injustice. He felt that his anger would have caused him to kill someone or get killed.

He made his own migration to Washington DC in the mid 1940’s. That didn’t work out for him.  He returned home and stayed there for another year.

His next move was to New York City. This move may have made more sense since his older brother and other family members were already here.

He stayed in a rooming house in Manhattan and found work as a dishwasher at Horn and Hardart.

Horn and Hardart operated what were called automats. These were very popular in the 1940’s and 1950’s. The automat offered prepared food that was kept behind a small glass window. Each window had a coin operated slot. After you put in the required amount of coins you would then open the glass window and remove the food. You could buy everything from sandwiches to pies and even a cup of coffee. They went out of business in the 1970’s after fast food restaurants became popular.

My dad met my mom at a dance hall in 1950, got married in 1951 and had me in 1952. I was not to be alone because I do share my parents with my sister and brother.

We lived on Putnam Avenue in Brooklyn (NY).  I was very young when we lived there. I only remember bits and pieces of that experience.

When we moved to 1414 Bergen Street in the Albany Houses, I was a lot older. It was there in Apartment 8C that I have my fondest memories. My family was one of many families that moved into this brand new housing project.

We stayed there for about 15 years after which we moved to Queens where we have been for the past 40 years.

We have always remained a close family even though we have moved to different parts of the country. With our cell phones and the use of e-mail we can stay in constant contact with each other.

This is my entry for Black History Month.

I’m the guy whose glass is always ½ full.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

A few years ago I adopted the title as “the guy whose glass is always ½ full”. I started this because I wanted to change how I looked at things in my life. I also felt that since this outlook was helping me, I could pass it on. I believe that the reason why so many people have a hard time in life is due to the way they view things. I feel it is important that we see all situations as stepping stones for growth.

In my own life, I have had a series of ups and downs. I don’t feel that my life is any different than anyone else’s. The one thing that makes us human is that we all have to go through life’s challenges.

I feel that regardless of what is going on we have the ability to turn negative events into positive events. We also have the ability to turn positive events into greater events.

As a positive parent staying positive about everything can be the difference in helping my kids get to the next level.

I have seen a lot of things during my 30 years as a parent. There was the time when Wendell Jr. broke his arm at 2 or 3 years old. There was the time when Deshawn got his first set of stitches and just recently Jonathan had hurt his knee playing with some class mates.

In each of these situations I chose not to over emphasize the events. It serves no purpose to brow beat anyone on the event itself. I need them to see and understand what happened and at the same time to let them know that everything is and will be OK.

Sometimes there is pain associated with these events. I never tried to mask pain. Weather it is physical or emotional, it should be dealt with as soon as possible. As parents the worse thing we could do is to be in denial about the condition of our kids. If we fail to see that pain, it could lead to more serious problems in the future.

For example, my son and his wife lost a child at birth. Losing a child at any age can be devastating and something that I hope that none of us as parents have to experience. Every parent wants their kids to outlive them. In the case of my granddaughter that will not to be the case.

Her death took place 2 years ago and was a result of how life goes. That law of averages says that there are those who will live and there are those who will die. Why my granddaughter was chosen to be on the latter list is an answer we may never know. I also feel that knowing the answer will not make the pain any less.

As “the guy whose glass is always ½ full” it has been my charge to help them get through this rough time. I don’t get to see my daughter-in-law as often as I would like. When they separated she moved back to her home area of Far Rockaway and then came Hurricane Sandy. Her and my other 3 grand kids are OK. I stay in contact with them as often as I can.

My son just began a new job as an outside salesman and since his territory includes the area that I live in, I see him regularly.

As “the guy whose glass is always ½ full” I have learned that the way I look at a situation will determine how successful I am in handling that situation. As I wrote earlier being in denial can be worse than not knowing about it.

I see a glass with water in it. The glass will not magically turn into an orange or an apple. It will always remain as a glass. It’s just a matter of how I view the contents of that glass. One can choose to see it as ½ empty.

This could mean that they have given up hope. They may see that their condition will never change. They see the glass as a prison where the liquid inside is trapped, unable to move.

“The guy whose glass is always ½ full” never sees the water being in a confined space. After all there is no lid on the glass. If he/she looks closely he/she would see that the water is fluid of life. Even as some of the water evaporates we can easily refill it with new ideas that will help us to maintain our positive attitudes.

If we need a quick boost we could even drink the water to refresh us and we can remain assured that at any time we can refill that glass so we can bring it back to its’ ½ full status.

I have chosen to be “the guy whose glass is always ½ full. I have made this choice because I wanted to change the way I was looking at my life. By seeing the glass as ½ full as opposed to ½ empty I feel that I have improved the quality of my life and I also see a change in the way my kids handle their lives. After all they watch me more closely than they listen to me.

I am the guy whose glass is always ½ full.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

I have been involved in parenting for the past 30 years. That’s how old my oldest son, Wendell Jr., will be in 2013. My other sons Deshawn and Jonathan will be 19 and 9 respectively. This time has been a great learning experience for me.  I’m also very glad that changing diapers and keeping a gallon of milk in the refrigerator are a thing of the past. It seems like yesterday when I and their mothers were going to the grocery store to buy these items. I also remember how the cost for these items had risen with each child.

In 1983 a gallon of milk cost $1.89/gallon. In 1994 that same item increased to $2.29/gallon.  By the time Jonathan was born in 2004 a gallon of milk was $3.40/gallon.

The cost for raising kids is constantly increasing. Right now milk is almost $4.00/gal. It’s easy to see that having kids is becoming an expensive venture.

Along with the costs also come the changing needs of each child. In the beginning they all could not be alone. One of us had to be with them at every moment. Now Wendell Jr. and Deshawn move around without any help. In the morning I could talked to Deshawn while he was at home in Long Island. A few hours later he could be in Mid-town Manhattan. By early evening he could be waiting for his girlfriend who attends a school in Downtown Brooklyn.

Since Wendell Jr. has been driving for the past 10 years, it is possible for him to call me from anywhere.

I realize that Jonathan, at soon to be 9, will be moving around just like his brothers. No one stays at their age forever. As I got older they got older. Before I know it he will travel about New York City on his own just like his brothers.

As I move into 2013, I am becoming aware that the way I parent is changing.  There is no longer a need for me to hold their hand at each traffic light. I still however only cross the street with Jonathan when the light says it is OK to cross. You will be surprised at how many people cross the street completely unaware that cars are coming towards them. I need him for him to be aware and not become a statistic.

They are all at an age where the scope of our relationship has changed. There are many times when I need them to help me. That help can come in the form of using their muscles to carry grocery bags or it can come in the form of them helping me to use my technological toys more efficiently.

Just today Deshawn and I had a problem down loading a book he needs for school on his Kindle.  We worked together to correct the problem.

It’s amazing how times have changed in the last few years. When I went to college, it was a workout carrying all those books. Now kids can carry 4 or 5 books as files in something that weighs less than a pound.

I no longer have to tell them what to do. They are all at a stage in their lives where they have a good idea of what is wrong and what is right. Their mothers and I did a good job giving them the basics. We agreed that we wanted kids that would use their minds to the fullest. Sometimes we regret what we created because they waste no time in giving us their opinions.

In fact I am now very interested in what their opinions are. After all it has always been my goal for them to be independent thinkers.

They are all at an age where I can challenge their creative process. It has never been my goal for them to fulfill my dreams. I need them to pursue what is in their hearts. Just because I wanted to become a professional athlete is no reason to put that burden on their shoulders

Wendell Jr. and Deshawn have an idea of where they want to go and it has become my goal to help them get there. Jonathan is still very young but I try to expose him to a lot of different things. At this early age I will try to push him to find his niche. I didn’t do that with the other 2. Perhaps by starting with him at this age he can reach his goals much faster.

The one thing that has been a bonus is as I watch them go through their experiences; it helps me with the challenges of my life.

Recently I began a weight loss program. Wendell Jr. is also working on his weight and he gave me an app for my phone that he uses to track calories.  Now we can help each other as we move to get thinner.

2013 has made me aware that I can no longer treat my kids as babies. It has become clear that these kids are becoming functioning members of society. It has also become clear that this year I will be going down a new road of positive parenting.