I Love Being A Dad

Over the seven years since being divorced there is one topic that comes up as I interact with other dads.  That topic is child support.  I’ve heard everything.  Some dads think that they shouldn’t pay.  Some dads think that the mom isn’t spending the money right. Some dads think that they are paying too much. Some dads even question if the kids are theirs.

Despite whatever we think, as positive parents it is our moral obligation to take care of our kids. This must be in effect whether we are with them or not.  We should not allow our kids to suffer because we are no longer in love with their mother.  We must get our minds clear and come to the realization that our kids didn’t ask to come here.  They are here because of the choices we made.

In this state (New York) as throughout the country there are strict rules regarding child support.  In this state these are the breakdowns   17% for one child.  25% for 2 children.  29% for 3 children.  31% for 4 children.  35% for 5 or more children.  These percentages are based on your gross pay (that’s before taxes).  The payments will go on until the child is 21 years old.

As a positive parent, I’ve been paying child support for the past seven years. In the beginning I had all feelings of the other dads I talked about earlier.  I soon came to realize that none of that mattered.  The only thing that was important was that I was doing what I was supposed to do.  That was taking care of my kid.  There are times when my finances are short because of my obligation. The one thing that is true is that I don’t have to look over my shoulder. I am not worried about the authorities coming after me.

Paying child support is our moral obligation to our kids.  If we claim to be positive parents we have to pay.

This is my opinion.  I would love to read what your opinion is.

I LOVE BEING A DAD !!

Mr. Acosta, Jonathan, Miss Winderman

School’s out for summer. I really love that song by Alice Cooper.  As a child I could not wait for the school year to end.  It gave me all time I needed to play, play, and play.  It was a great feeling for the sun to be out until 9 or 10 pm.  Although, my parents never let me stay out that long, it was still nice to have a long day.  For two months I didn’t have to worry about doing homework or preparing for tests.  I could now focus on what was real important, being a kid.

 Although I wasn’t a great athlelete I used to have a lot of fun participating in all sports activities that were available.  In those days we had a lot city programs to keep us occupied.  There were basketball and softball tournaments and I remember spending one summer in North Carolina.  Those were the days. I look back and cherish all those great memories.

Jonathan, my youngest son, has just finished kindergarten.  As every positive parent, his mom and I were very nervous how his first year would be. We were concerned if he would get along with his teacher and how he would interact with his class mates.  We wanted him to be successful, even though this was just kindergarten and not the end of the world.

Our fears were laid to rest at the first parent-teacher meeting.  As a positive parent I am always concerned about the job that I’m doing.  It was at this meeting that I really saw how important it is for my child to be around a person who practices positive teaching.  From his first day Jonathan loved going to school.  As the school year progressed, his mother and I became very impressed with what he was learning and what he was able to do.  He started out not being able to read or write. By the year he was able to identify many simple words, have an understanding of some complicated words, and gain some skills in basic penmanship and a host of other skills.  Granted he’s not ready to read or write his first novel but, we saw a marked improvement from where he was to where he is right now. We give credit to his kindergarten teachers for the success he has experienced.

I want to thank Miss Winderman and Mr. Acosta. It is because of you that Jonathan had such a successful year.  You both are great examples of what positive teaching is all about.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

Deshawn, Wendell Sr., Wendell Jr., Ernest (Grandpa)

Hello.  My name is Wendell Jordan Jr.  I am guest blogging for my dad for Father’s Day.  I am the father of two very lovely children Kamaria and Amir.  I want to talk about raising a son.

I have a 14 month son named Amir.  I chose that name because of its meaning, leader or Prince.  I wanted to give him a name that would forge his character before he was born.  Now that he is here, I look to the lessons my father has taught me about being a young man and a father.  I can remember him telling me that we (my brother and I) were the most important in his life and that nothing came before us.  No matter what else he had going on; my father was always at any important event in my life.  From my elementary school graduation to taking my pregnant wife and I to the hospital and sitting with us until 3AM when he had to be at work at 7AM.  Even though my son is still a baby, I practice these same habits.  I’ve never missed a check up or immunization shot because I wanted him to know that daddy is never too busy for him.

One of the most fondest memories with my father is the time he kept me home from school in the 6^th grade to take me to see the new “Star Trek” movie.  He took me because he was a bit of a “trekked” and he wanted to share his love of the series with me.  I don’t remember anything about the movie but I know that I enjoyed it because I was with my dad and he loved it.   Now I try to include Amir in everything I love, from basketball to video games.

Another thing my father taught me was to be supportive of anything my son may decide to do with his life (as long as it legal).  I may not be able to practice this for a few years but my father laid the ground work thick.  I have tried a variety of different jobs over my short 27 year life but my father always showed full support.  He always says “good for you, work hard at it to see if you like it and if you don’t you’re young, you have time to try many options “.  My father is and has been a great influence on me raising my son to be the leader I want him to become.

My Mom

Mother’s Day is one of the most treasured holidays of the year.  This is because without mom, our lives would be void.  This is not to say that dads are not equally important, but I want to save that discussion for June 20.

My experience with my mom is one of great memories.  She has been my sister’s, my brother’s and my greatest supporter.  At a very young age, I can remember my mom explaining to us the importance of family and demonstrating that with her acts of kindness and love.  She wanted us to understand that each of us were different individuals with our own strengths and weaknesses. She has never shown any favoritism in that she gives each of us the same amount of love.

She earned her Associate Degree when the three of us were grown with our own children, showing us was that it is never too late to reach for our goals.

As an artist she felt that each of us needed an outlet to channel our creativity.  She has taken us to the many museums and art shows here in New York City.  My favorite was the show that takes place in the Greenwich Village.  We would go there every year around Labor Day and walk for hours (or it seemed so) enjoying the various types of art that were on display.  It was during this time that I learned from her how to express what I did or did not like. She has never been critical of how we viewed the art. We didn’t have to see it her way.  I enjoyed going to that show so much that I would travel from Cleveland (I lived there for 13 years) just so I could go there with her.

My mom started a tradition where we have to say “I Love You” to each other whenever we ended a phone conversation or parted ways.  It is my opinion that she never wanted any disagreements to form a wedge between any of us.

In March, 2009 my mom had a stroke and we weren’t sure whether she was going to make it.  She stayed in Jamaica Hospital (Jamaica, NY) for over a month.  It was very difficult to watch someone who was so vibrant and so full of life to lie in a hospital bed unconscious with a feeding tube.  Thank God for all those hands (the doctors and nurses) because I feel it was because of them that she was able to recover and come home.  She is doing much better (not 100%) and we feel very blessed that we can still enjoy her.

Stop What You Are Doing!!!  Call or go see your mom. Tell her how much you love her and wish her a HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

When I separated from my ex wife, I was fearful about what the future had for me.  This was someone I had been with for over 20 years. Although I feel it was the best for both of us to go our separate ways, I was moving into an unknown area.  The other question mark was what will happen to my kids.  At the time I only had the two boys. They were 20 and 10 years old.  I did not know how they would feel about me and I didn’t know how I could repair whatever damage the separation was going to create.

It was a couple of years before the divorce was final.  I did the best I could to use this time to heal their hurt feelings.  I, on many occasions, told them that our separation and divorce had nothing to do with them.  I have heard of many stories where the kids blame themselves for the relationship failure.

The ten year old seem to adjust easier than the older one.  The older one had seen me go through many changes in my life.  Despite it all, he still seemed to have a hidden anger with me.  It was not until he came to live with me and my new wife that our relationship began to change for the better.  He didn’t stay with us very long, but we both used that time to really get a better understanding of what we were both about.

Today I am proud to say that I have a great relationship with both of these kids. I don’t think they understand what went on with their mother and I and they don’t need to.  I believe what made things successful is that I never talked bad about their mother. I feel that is an important issue.  Whether they are together or not, positive parents should never use their kids as emotional ping pong balls. I feel it   was and is important to build up the relationship between myself and my kids.  Trying to destroy my ex wife by talking negatively about her in front of my kids would only put a wedge in between all of us.

Divorce is a difficult thing for the whole family.  I feel that as positive parents it becomes our responsibility to put our personal feelings aside and put the feelings of our kids upfront.

This is my opinion. I’d love to read what you think.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

The one thing that I feel had the greatest affect on my kids is those years I was an active drinker and drug user.  That time, which lasted for over 20 years, turned from an enjoyable pastime to an overpowering addiction.  It ended when I was forced to realize that in order for my life to change I had to stop.  That realization came almost 19 years ago and with the help of a great support group and GOD, I have been able to remain drug and alcohol free.

My oldest son is the only one of my kids who lived through those years.  He was 6 or 7 when I stopped.   The other three kids will hopefully never see me as a drinker or drug user.

I bring this up to highlight the fact that in order to be a positive parent, that parent should not be under the influence.  The effect of this can be a destructive thing on the family.  In my own case, my addiction kept my mind in a constant fog and all my decisions revolved around getting the next feel good.

There is no way a parent can have sound thinking while under the influence.  We hear of the many stories of kids getting hurt or killed while riding with a parent under the influence.  I cringe with the thoughts of my past when I did the very same thing and am very thankful that no harm was done.

There is another powerful drug that can be equally dangerous to our kids, That drug is nicotine.  My oldest son, also, was the only one to see me smoke cigarettes.  It didn’t dawn on me the damage I was doing to my kid until after I stopped.  This kid kept colds and ear infections.  My other kids remained very healthy.  It was the second hand smoke that was doing the harm.

In order for me to be the best positive parent I can be, I have to be constantly aware of those things that may bring me back to that life.  I love the life I’m living now and I want to make sure that I can stay around to see my all my kids become positive parents.

This is my opinion.  I’d love to read what your opinion is.  Don’t forget this week’s poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!!

The one thing that every positive parent wants is for his/her children to be successful adults.  Having a good education is a sure way to guarantee that success.  Most of us start when our children are very young. We stress the importance of being able to read, do arithmetic and to write somewhat legibly. Although these are the basic skills we understand that no one can move forward without them. Through these skills and their curiosity we hope that they can find their areas of interests and do the work that is needed that will help them to reach their goals.

When our children accomplish their goals, we are happy and hopeful that they will continue to move on.  We have elaborate parties when they graduate from elementary school.  We label them when they finish middle school.  At the completion of high school we feel that their success is a done deal.

The one thing that we must do in addition to their formal schooling is to give them an education in awareness.  Growing up in a major city my parents continually wanted me to be aware of what my surroundings were.  During those times there were no such things as cell phones or ipods to distract me. In those days the distractions took place in between my ears.  Their goal was to make sure that I remained in the NOW. Being in the NOW requires that I am aware of what’s going on at this moment. Paying attention when I cross the street so I didn’t get hit by cars.  Being able to see far enough ahead of me so that I wouldn’t walk into any type of altercation. It wouldn’t matter that I had an A average if I allowed what was going on around me to hurt me.   Of course there are those times when things happen and nothing could have saved me.  I’m not talking about those times.  My main focus is about those things I have control over.  Like crossing the street.

Through the course of the day I can count many times when I see young people just not paying attention. Some have the ipod so loud or are so engrossed in that phone call that it’s no wonder they can’t cross the street safely or hear that fire truck coming down the street.  When I’m with my kids I make them take those things out of their ears or at least turn the volume down.  I need for us to be aware of each other.  As a positive parent I feel that it is my responsibility to train my kids about being aware of what’s around them.   ……..I have to go now.   My favorite song is playing on my ipod.

These are my opinions.  I’d love to read about what you think.  Vote in this weeks poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

( Thanks to all those who contacted me about my WordPress issues.  All of your advise was very helpful.  I was able to upgrade to version 2.9.2.)

One of the greatest challenges of being a positive parent is learning how to interact with my kids. Dealing with 4 different personalities can be difficult at best.  Each kid has his/her own unique talents and I feel it is my job to make sure that these talents don’t go to waste.

My parents were great examples in this area.  I learned from them that each kid must be treated equally. There can be no favorites. Showing favorites can be a destructive element in a family. This can be the driving force that split families apart. I have seen this happen many times in many families.

It is important that every kid receive the same treatment.  Just because he/she is having problems now doesn’t mean that  situation will last forever.  The same holds true for the kid who appears to be successful. Each event(s) should not be used as a measuring tool for that kids’ life.  At a later date, either or both kids could be great asset(s) for the family.

I never compare one kid to another.  I never say  “You should be like ….”.  Each kid should be accepted for who they are.  If one wants to be a doctor, fine. If one of the other kids wants to work for the city sanitation department, that’s fine too.  As a positive parent I feel that I must work to keep their playing fields as even as possible.  I give them what basics I can and leave the key life choices to them.  My goal is to produce positive members of society.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

This is my opinion.  I would love to read about yours. Vote in this week’s poll.

(After publishing last week’s post, all my widgets stopped working.  I’m in the process of upgrading my version of this wordpress blog (2.6.3).  I also understand that there may be some problems with my version of javascript.  If you have this same problem and/or solved it, please email me.(wendelljordansr@gmail.com)

Learning to deal with stress has become a necessary part of adult life.  In this new age of fast moving information, it has become even more important for our kids to deal with this issue. As an adult I have learned to be very mindful of the effects of stress.  It has been known to bring about a whole host of illnesses and could even lead to death.

I teach my kids to learn to be patient during those stressful situations.  They must learn to understand that the situation doesn’t mean that the world is  coming to an end.  By being observant and by not panicking they will most likely be in a better position to survive what ever the situation is.  For most kids this concept is a difficult one for them to grasp. Their lack of experience gives them a very shallow view of what life is about.

As positive parents, it becomes our job to get this message through to them. I feel that by dealing with stress properly a lot of mistakes can be avoided. For example, if my kids and I walking down the street and we see a group of people or a stray dog or any other possible stressful situation approaching us, I don’t wait until the last moment to discuss with my kid how I feel about it.  The moment I’m aware of the situation, I feel it is my responsibility to make him/her aware also.  There is nothing worse than having everyone NOT on the same page. By discussing it, a plan of action can be developed (if it’s needed) and we could both get out of the situation unscathed. This type of thinking is what I encourage my kids to do. It is my opinion that some stress could be eased simply by being aware of the surroundings. Being prepared in the best stress reliever.

Peer pressure, I feel, is the most common reason for stress within our kids.  Our kids must learn that it’s not necessary to always agree with their peers.  Of course there are those times when fitting in is OK.  Our kids must be taught that they don’t have to make impulse decisions on questionable issues (sex,drugs, smoking, you add the rest).  We must teach them that it’s OK to say no.  They must learn that doing those questionable things is more stressful than not doing them. They don’t have to be stressed out just so they can fit in.

Learning how to deal with stress is an ongoing practice and the earlier our kids learn this, the better they will be able to handle all the thing that life will throw at them.

This is my opinion. I’d love to read about what you’re thinking.  Don’t forget this weeks poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!

The one thing that I think is very important is the amount of time I spend with my kids.  I feel this way because my time with them shows how much I care. It also gives me the time hear about what is going well or not so well in their lives.  I would love to spend all day observing them, so I could give them all the direction that they would need.  In reality this is not only unhealthy but also it is not feasible.  Everyone needs their personal space.

What I try to do is to schedule events that would bring us together.  One thing we guys ( my three sons and I) love is basketball.  This week my oldest son got tickets to see the New Jersey Nets.  I have no idea who they’re playing and their 5-50 record is sure to guarantee that only die hard fans will be there.  The only thing that is important is that, for 4 hours, we will be together.  This will give us more than enough time to talk and to do some bonding.  No problems will be solved during this time but it will open the door for discussions later on.

It is my job to transport my daughter back and forth from our place to hers.  With her two beautiful daughters in the back seat, the half an hour ride gives me time to find out what’s going on in her life. Just as with the boys, some times I can’t solve her problems but in some cases I can give her a new way to approach her situation.

Due to work constraints it may be a week or two before I can physically see them.  I don’t let this stop me from staying in contact.  I use my cell and home phone to reach out and touch them.  Tex-ting is a great way to communicate because sometimes typing the words ” R u OK? I’m OK” is all that is needed.

The quantity of time is not as important as the quality.  When I’m with my kids I try to make the most of the time I’m with them.  Enjoying each other is the main goal.  If we’re able to help each other with our situations ( I bounce things off them too) then it makes the experience just that much more enjoyable.

This is my opinion.  I would love to read about how you think. Do you agree or disagree with me?  As always don’t forget to vote in this weeks poll.

I LOVE BEING A DAD!!